120+ Sick Old-Timey Burns from the Medieval Period & Beyond

Tired of referring to everyone as a "dumb*ss"? Sounds like you could use some new insults—and by new, we mean old, very very old. Like, Victorian-old. Like, 1700s-old. Like, Shakespeare-old. Keep scrolling for the ultimate guide to charming (and sick) old-timey insults, from Medieval England to the Victorian Era. Your friends and enemies will be blown away when you refer to them as "noodle heads" and "unlicked cubs"!

Sickest Old-Timey Burns

Gump – (n.) a dim-witted person
Muddle-headed – (adj.) confused
Noodle head – (n.) an idiot
Rip – (n.) a useless person or horse
Saddle goose – (n.) a fool
Stupe – (n.) an idiot
Unlicked cub – (n.) an uncouth, ill-mannered young person

Section 1 of 6:

Middle English Insults

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These insults are centuries old—but that doesn't make them sting any less. It's easy to shrug off an everyday insult like "dum*ss," but can you imagine how stunned your enemies would be to be called something like "saddle goose" or "mooncalf"? Check out these other innovative burns from the Medieval period (500–1470).
- Churl (n.) – a coarse and shabby person
- Coxcomb (n.) – a narcissistic and vain person
- Cumberworld – (n.) a useless person
- Dalcop – (n.) a really stupid person
- Levereter – (n.) a corrupt person (a "liver-eater")
- Mandrake mymmerkin – (n.) a puppet, or a tiny person
- Moon calf – (n.) a naive, stupid person
- Rakefire – (n.) a guest who has overstayed their welcome
- Saddle goose – (n.) a fool
- Yaldson – (n.) the son of a prostitute

Section 2 of 6:

Early Modern English Insults

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Try these insults from Shakespeare's day. Let's get something clear: Shakespearean English is not "Old English." It's Early Modern—specifically, Elizabethan English (that is, the English that was spoken during the reign of Elizabeth I). Early Modern English refers to the English language that came after Middle English. It lasted from roughly the end of the 1400s to the mid-late 1600s. The more you know! 🌈
- Bespawler – (n.) a person who spits when they speak
- Bobolyne – (n.) a fool
- Fopdoodle – (n.) a stupid person
- Fustilugs – (n.) a big, clumsy, slobby person ^{[1]
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- Hedge-born – (adj.) used to describe someone of low birth or who is a bastard
- Mumblecrust – (n.) a toothless beggar
- Trencherman – (n.) a gluttonous person who attends social events just for the food
- Whiffle-whaffle – (n.) an indecisive person who just wastes everyone's time

Section 3 of 6:

1700s Insults

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These 18th-century burns will have your pals wondering if you're secretly Jonathan Swift. Whip out a "stupe," a "hellion," or a "muddle-headed codger," and you'll convince your friends you're a time traveler from Georgian England. (But some of these words you'll probably recognize—they're still in use all these years later!)
- Addle pate – (n.) a fool
- Back biter – (n.) someone who gossips about someone else
- Blowse or blowsabella – (n.) a disheveled woman
- Blunderbuss – (n.) a stupid person
- Bob tail – (n.) a lewd woman; an impotent man
- Bull calf – (n.) a clumsy person
- Codger – (n.) an old person, especially an eccentric one
- Coot – (n.) an eccentric old person (similar to codger)
- Corny-faced – (adj.) used to describe someone with a heavily pimpled face
- Cuss – (n.) a stubborn or annoying animal or person
- Deadbeat – (n.) a lazy person
- Death's head upon a mop-stick – (n.) a sickly, emaciated person
- Duke of limbs – (n.) a tall, gangly person
- Fogey – (n.) a fussy, conservative old person
- Fussock – (n.) a lazy, dumpy woman
- Gauche – (adj.) awkward, unsophisticated, graceless
- Gollumpus – (n.) a big, clumsy oaf
- Goodie two-shoes – (n.) an annoyingly well-behaved person
- Gundiguts – (n.) a very overweight person
- Hang in chains – (n.) a vile person
- Hell born babe – (n.) a lewd and mischievous youth (OK, this one actually kind of rocks)
- Hellion – (n.) a mischievous troublemaker, especially a child
- Jolterhead – (n.) a stupid person
- Just-ass – (n.) a punny insult for a justice (a play on "justice")
- Killjoy – (n.) someone who ruins a good time with overly serious behavior
- Lobcock – (n.) a large, flaccid penis, or a dull, boring person
- Lowlife – (adj. since 1795; n. since 1915) a disreputable or criminal person
- Muddle-headed – (adj.) confused
- Noodle head – (n.) an idiot
- Puff guts – (n.) a fat guy
- Rip – (n.) a useless person or horse
- Scrub – (n.) a low person who does dirty work
- Shabbaroon – (n.) a poorly-dressed, shabby person; also a mean-spirited person
- Stupe – (n.) an idiot
- Tabby – (n.) an old maid
- Tatterdemallion – (n.) a ragged, poorly-looking person in tattered clothing
- Thingumbob – (n.) anyone whose name you don't know ("thingumbobs" was also slang for "testicles")
- Tufthunter – (n.) a gold-digger
- Unlicked cub – (n.) an uncouth, ill-mannered young person

Section 4 of 6:

1800s Insults

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These insults from the 1800s carry an air of sophistication. Sound just like a Charles Dickens character when you insult people using Victorian lingo:^{[2]
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- Backhanded – (adj.) insincere; indirect (as in a backhanded compliment)
- Blighter – (n.) someone who is pitiable or contemptible
- Cad – (n.) a man who behaves dishonorably, particularly toward a woman
- Chowderhead – (n.) a stupid person
- Do-nothing – (adj.) unambitious, lazy
- Fatheaded – (adj.) stupid
- Featherhead – (n.) a silly or absentminded person (also featherbrain)
- Flapdoodle – (n.) a foolish person
- Fly-by-night – (adj.) untrustworthy or flaky, especially when it comes to business or finances
- Foozler – (n.) a clumsy person
- Gibface – (n.) an ugly person
- Gump – (n.) a dim-witted person
- Hard-shell or hard-shelled – (adj.) inflexible
- Hornswaggler – (n.) a cheat
- Imbecile – (adj.) stupid; (n.) a stupid person
- Joskin – (n.) a bumpkin
- Know-nothing – (n.) an ignorant person
- Mama’s boy – (n.) a boy or man who is extremely attached to his mother and heavily influenced by her
- Muck-sprout – (n.) someone who talks too much and curses a lot
- Pigeon-livered – (adj.) cowardly
- Ragabrash – (n.) a messy or grubby person
- Saphead – (n.) a fool or rube
- Scalawag – (n.) a rascal
- Slowpoke – (n.) someone who acts or moves slowly
- Tenderfoot – (n.) a novice, especially someone unaccustomed to the difficulty of pioneer life
- Whooperup – (n.) a bad singer
- Windbag – (n.) someone who talks a lot, but says nothing meaningful
- Yokel – (n.) a country bumpkin

Section 5 of 6:

Shakespearean Insults

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Truly sick burns from the Bard himself. We owe a lot of the words we use every day to Shakespeare, like "bedroom," "lonely," and "skim milk."^{[3]
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Research source} But he also came up with a plethora of truly savage insults. Let's dive into some of the Bard's most famous and infamous burns—and trust us, he's got a lot of them!
- "Away, you three-inch fool!" –The Taming of the Shrew (Act 4, Scene 1)
- "Come, come, you froward and unable worms!" –The Taming of the Shrew (Act 5, Scene 2)
- "Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, Thou lily-liver’d boy." –Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 3)
- "I am pigeon-liver’d and lack gall." –Hamlet (Act 2, Scene 2)
- "If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them." –Hamlet (Act 3, Scene 1)
- "I am sick when I do look on thee." –A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Act 2, Scene 1)
- "I must tell you friendly in your ear, sell when you can, you are not for all markets." –As You Like It (Act 3, Scene 5)
- "I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands." –Timon of Athens (Act 4, Scene 3)
- "Away, you starvelling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish!" –Henry IV Part I (Act 2, Scene 4)
- "His wit’s as thick as a Tewkesbury mustard." –Henry IV Part II (Act 2, Scene 4)
- "I scorn you, scurvy companion." –Henry IV Part II (Act 2, Scene 4)
- "Methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee." –All’s Well That Ends Well (Act 2, Scene 3)
- "A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality." –All's Well That Ends Well (Act 3, Scene 6)
- "More of your conversation would infect my brain." –Coriolanus (Act 2, Scene 1)
- "My wife’s a hobby horse!" –The Winter’s Tale (Act 2, Scene 1)
- "Peace, ye fat guts!" –Henry IV Part I (Act 2, Scene 2)
- "Aroint thee: go away, rump-fed runion: slut." –Macbeth (Act 1, Scene 3)
- "The rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended his nostril." –The Merry Wives of Windsor (Act 3, Scene 5)
- "The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes." –The Comedy of Errors (Act 5, Scene 4)

Section 6 of 6:

Historical & Literary Insults

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Check out these burns from historical figures and writers of yore. From Oscar Wilde and to Teddy Roosevelt, these insults from notable figures are unmissable (and sure to make your enemies burst into tears):
- "I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll make an exception." –Groucho Marx
- "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." –Oscar Wilde
- "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." –Mae West
- "His head was an hourglass; it could stow an idea, but it had to do it a grain at a time." –Mark Twain, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
- "An amiable old fuzzy-wuzzy with sweetbread brains." –Teddy Roosevelt, referring to an anonymous Supreme Court Justice
- "A cold-blooded, narrow-minded, prejudiced, obstinate, timid old psalm-singing Indianapolis politician." –Teddy Roosevelt, again, this time about then-president Benjamin Harrison
- "[A] little emasculated mass of inanity." –Teddy again, this time about the novelist Henry James
- "A flubdub with a streak of the second-rate and the common in him." –Teddy Roosevelt about his successor, William Howard Taft
- "'The General doesn’t know any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday." –Harry S. Truman on Dwight D. Eisenhower^{[4]
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- "Jerry Ford is so dumb that he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time." –Lyndon B. Johnson on Gerald Ford
- "Edith looks like something that would eat her young." –Dorothy Parker on Dame Edith Evans
- "You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think." –Dorothy Parker, when challenged to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence
- "Paul Newman has the attention span of a bolt of lightning." –Robert Redford
- "It’s like kissing Hitler." –Tony Curtis on kissing Marilyn Monroe (we're sorry but WHAT? There's no way)
- "“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." –William Faulkner on Ernest Hemingway
- "Americans will always try to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else." –Winston Churchill
- "If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off." –Kurt Vonnegut