100+ Southern Insults & Backhanded Compliments

Well, aren’t you just the…sweetest? Nothing sounds as charming, colorful, and devastating as a cool Southern insult. If you want to learn how to dish it just like a proper Southern belle, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve collected the best Southern insults and backhanded compliments about appearances, intelligence, social skills, and more. Bless your heart!

Our Favorite Funny Southern Insults

His biscuit’s not quite done in the middle, but we love him.
God didn’t mean for everyone to be smart.
She’s got more faces than the town clock.
He’s so cheap, he wouldn’t give a nickel to see Jesus riding a bicycle.
Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
Aren’t you charming when you make an effort?
Bless your heart!

Section 1 of 8:

Southern Insults about Appearances

Try these insults when someone isn’t looking very…prim and proper. Appearances are everything in high society, and you would want someone to let you know when you’re not looking your best, wouldn’t you? Help a friend out and let them know they should freshen up with these silly Southern insults about looks:
- That’s a little like putting lipstick on a pig, isn’t it?
- She’s cute, but I wouldn’t put her on a float.
- I bet those shoes sure are comfortable.
- Your new haircut looks so much better.
- He’s got a great personality.
- How creative! I could never pull that off.
- Maybe she just doesn’t realize a Medicaid card and a miniskirt don’t belong on the same woman.
- Isn’t it just like you to wear a dress like that!
- Is that what they’re wearing now?
- I bet you’ve got such a handsome face under that beard!
- I hope you don’t catch pneumonia in those shorts. They sure look breezy.
- They’re just plain people. There’s nothing wrong with that!
- She’s pretty…in her own way.
- He could eat corn through a picket fence.
- You’re so full of it, your eyes are brown.^{[1]
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- He’s so ugly, he didn’t get hit with the ugly stick—he got whopped with the whole forest.

Section 2 of 8:

Southern Insults about Intelligence

Sling one-liners like these when someone doesn’t have a lick of sense. A little common sense goes a long way, and when somebody doesn’t have any…well, they’re making themselves a target for a zinger like these! Here are a few ways to politely comment on someone’s smarts in the South:
- The porch light’s on, but no one’s home.
- His biscuit’s not quite done in the middle, but we love him.
- He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed.
- She’s not the brightest bulb in the box.
- He’s not the sweetest cookie in the batch.
- They’re about as smart as a marble.
- Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
- He couldn’t organize a two-car parade.
- Most people in town think he’s really smart…
- His elevator doesn’t go all the way up to the top floor, if you know what I mean.
- God didn’t mean for everyone to be smart.
- He could take a wrong turn on the Talladega Speedway.
- I don’t think all their dogs are barking.
- They don’t have a lick of sense.
- They’re dumber than a bag of hammers.
- He wouldn’t know how to pour water out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
- She couldn’t find her way out of a wet paper bag.
- I don't care if it was 40 years ago when she won the high school spelling bee. Not everybody can spell “hippopotamus,” and that's at least something she can hang onto.

Section 3 of 8:

Southern Insults about Social Skills & Gossip

Save these jabs for when someone’s making a scene in public. A proper Southern belle or gentleman behaves themselves when they’re out in society. But when someone has a hissy fit, spreads some gossip, or just doesn’t quite fit in with everyone else, you might hear some of these phrases to describe them:
- Well, aren’t you just sweet?
- Thank you for sharing.
- I don’t care what anybody says. I think she’s sweet.
- She could start a rumor in an empty room.
- She’s got more faces than the town clock.
- He’s nosier than a raccoon in a trash can.
- Whatever she heard, you’re going to hear it too. Twice.
- She’s so fake, even her hair has an expiration date.
- He’s too big for his britches.
- If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.
- She’s pitching a hissy fit with a tail on it.^{[2]
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- She has her nose so high in the air, she could drown in a rainstorm.
- He’s so cheap, he wouldn’t give a nickel to see Jesus riding a bicycle.
- He’s so poor, he can’t afford to pay attention.
- She could start an argument in an empty house.
- He’s as nervous as a cat in a room full of rockers.
- She’s so country, she thinks a 7-course meal is a possum and a 6-pack.”^{[3]
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- She’s got tongues to tattle on her tongues.

Section 4 of 8:

Southern Insults about Personality

Whip out one of these when you can’t see eye-to-eye with someone. It pays to get along in proper society. Whether you’re looking for a polite(-ish) way to comment on someone’s eccentricities in public or a spicier phrase to describe them behind closed doors, these Southern insults are just what you need:
- He is who he is, God love him.
- He’s a little rough around the edges, but he’s got the best personality.
- She means well, bless her heart.
- It’s not their fault they weren’t raised right.
- It’s not his fault he turned out that way.
- That one right there has always been a little different.
- She’s not like the rest of the family, is she?
- You march to the beat of your own drum, don’t you, sweetheart? Good for you!
- You’re not married? There’s nothing wrong with that! You work so hard.
- Look what she likes.
- You’re just a whole sandwich, aren’t you?
- He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
- She’s about as helpful as a bump on a log.
- You couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.
- He’s about as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
- That apple didn't fall far from the tree, did it, y'all?
- He’s as worthless as gum on a boot heel!^{[4]
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Section 5 of 8:

Southern Insults that Sound Like Compliments

Master the art of the Southern-style backhanded compliment. The best insults are the ones you don’t hear coming until afterward, and no one can sling a backhanded compliment like a Southerner. So, put on your sweetest, kindest voice and let them have it!
- That’s so different!
- Good for you!
- I just love how you don’t care what other people think.
- …but they mean well.
- …God love ‘em.
- …but we love ‘em.
- …but that’s not their fault. They just don’t know any better.
- …bless your heart.
- ...in their own way.^{[5]
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- Your house just feels so lived in.
- What a beautiful photo of you! I didn’t even recognize you.
- Aren’t you charming when you make an effort?
- Look at that outfit! Don’t you look comfortable.
- You seem relaxed. I wish I didn’t have any responsibilities!

Section 6 of 8:

Sassy Southern Sayings

Use a creative Southern expression to make your insults last. Part of what gives a Southern insult its lethal charm is the colorful, descriptive language and phrases you get to use! Here are some examples of sassy Southern sayings you can use to amuse whoever you’re insulting (and anyone lucky enough to be there to listen):
- Hush your mouth!
- Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
- Sit on your biscuits!^{[6]
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- He’s as lost as last year’s Easter egg hunt.
- She’s got more nerve than a bum tooth.
- He’s so polite, he’d say “please” to a mosquito.^{[7]
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- He’s as useless as a trap door on a canoe.
- He’s slicker than owl snot.
- He’s as slow as molasses in January.
- She’s sweatin’ like a sinner in church.
- He’s crazier than a road lizard.
- He’s wound tighter than a doghouse banker.
- If she fell into a bucket of nickels, she’d come out owing money.
- He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
- She’s busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.
- He’s slicker than snot on a doorknob.
- He’s so slow he’d have to speed up to be a snail.

Section 7 of 8:

What makes a good Southern insult?

A good Southern insult is passive-aggressive with colorful language. A charming Southerner won’t take a jab at you directly. They’ll soften their tone to sound polite and might hide their insult behind a backhanded compliment or wacky-sounding metaphor. For example, a true Southern belle or gentleman wouldn’t call someone flat out “rude.” They might say something like, “They have more nerve than a bum tooth.”
- “Having nerve” sounds more polite than “being rude”, and “a bum tooth” paints a silly picture in the listener’s head. This makes the insult sound smooth and proper, rather than a vulgar exclamation.