The 170 Funniest Substitutes for B*tch & Other Swear Words

Searching for a funny replacement for the b-word? We’ve got you covered! In this article, we’re providing the ultimate list of b-word alternatives, whether you want something silly, polite, or creative. We’ll also cover how to say the b-word in different languages and provide substitutes for other curse words. Keep reading to clean up your vocab and make everyone laugh.

Funny Alternatives to the B-Word

Wench
Evil hag
Bike handle
Rancid witch
Charleston Chew
Rotting meat bag
A bee with an itch

Section 1 of 7:

Funny Alternatives

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Drop a silly and random word to describe someone as a b****. There’s no better way to shake up the conversation than by replacing the b-word with something hilarious. Here are some funny alternatives to get the giggles going:
- A bee with an itch
- Banana
- Beach
- Bench
- Bike handle
- Blockhead
- Bottom feeder
- Bowling ball
- Cat-smacker
- Charleston Chew
- Donut
- Evil hag
- Expired sausage
- Female dog
- Hairy foot
- Mouth breather
- Oily raisin
- Old leather chair
- Plastic bag
- Pond scum
- Pork chop
- Rampant goose
- Rancid witch
- Rotting meat bag
- Waste of oxygen
- Wind bag

Section 2 of 7:

Silly Alternatives

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Replace the b-word with something nonsensical for loads of laughter. Looking for a silly alternative that will leave everyone in stitches? Get creative and replace the b-word with a random food, object, or animal. You’ll get extra laughs if you choose something that rhymes with the original curse word! Here are some examples if you want to use the phrase “son of a b****:”
- Son of a beanbag!
- Son of a biscuit!
- Son of a blunder!
- Son of a breadstick!
- Son of a brunch!
- Son of a cupcake!
- Son of a ditch!
- Son of a glitch!
- Son of a goblin!
- Son of a gun!
- Son of a ham sandwich!
- Son of a jellybean!
- Son of a Mitch!
- Son of a monkey!
- Son of a motherless goat!
- Son of a nutcracker!
- Son of a pickle jar!
- Son of a pitch!
- Son of a snitch!
- Son of a squash!
- Son of a stitch!
- Son of a switch!
- Son of a toenail!
- Son of a twitch!
- Son of a wizard’s beard!

Section 3 of 7:

Polite Alternatives

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Use professional language to call someone the b-word. Sometimes, you want to refer to your colleague or boss as the b-word… but you also want to keep your job and remain professional. When you get the urge to blurt out an expletive, here are some polite alternatives to get your point across:
- Aggressive
- Arrogant
- Bitter
- Cold-hearted
- Condescending
- Confrontational
- Controlling
- Demanding
- Difficult
- Disrespectful
- Dramatic
- Hypocritical
- Impatient
- Manipulative
- Mean
- Passive aggressive
- Relentless
- Rude
- Ruthless
- Sassy
- Shady
- Snarky
- Terrible
- Toxic
- Vicious

Section 4 of 7:

Classic Alternatives

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Stick to one of these classic insults to roast someone. While the following options might not be as sharp and snappy as the b-word, they’re clean and kid-friendly (for the most part). Consider using one of these classic alternatives the next time someone is acting like a b****:^{[1]
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- Clown
- Degenerate
- Douche
- Floozy
- Fool
- Gremlin
- Hag
- Harlot
- Hussy
- Idiot
- Jerk
- Knucklehead
- Moron
- Nimrod
- Nitwit
- Prick
- Scallywag
- Scoundrel
- Scum
- Scumbag
- Tart
- Tramp
- Wench
- Witch
- Wretch

Section 5 of 7:

Creative Alternatives

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Call someone an animal to insult them creatively. There’s nothing more insulting, brilliant, and hilarious than referring to someone as an animal… especially if it’s not a cute one. Here’s a list of animals to use instead of calling someone the b-word:
- Badger
- Carp
- Centipede
- Cow
- Dog
- Donkey
- Ferret
- Filly
- Fly
- Frog
- Goat
- Harpy
- Horse
- Leech
- Maggot
- Parasite
- Pig
- Rat
- Shrew
- Skunk
- Sloth
- Slug
- Sow
- Tart
- Toad
- Vulture
- Weasel
- Worm

Section 6 of 7:

Saying the B-Word in Different Languages

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Turn to another language to say the b-word discreetly. This is a great strategy if you’re around English speakers, but make sure they’re not bilingual to avoid offense! Here’s how to say the b-word in various languages:
- Afrikaans: teef
- Arabic: كَلْبَة (kalba)
- Chinese: 婊子 (biǎozi)
- Croatian: kuja
- Czech: fena
- Danish: tæve
- Dutch: teef
- Finnish: narttu
- French: chienne
- German: Hündin
- Greek: σκύλα (skýla)
- Hindi: कमीनी (kamini)
- Hungarian: kurva
- Italian: cagna
- Japanese: あばずれ (abazure)
- Korean: 개년 (gaenyeon)
- Polish: suka
- Portuguese: cadela
- Romanian: cățea
- Russian: су́ка (súka)
- Spanish: perra
- Swedish: hynda
- Turkish: orospu
- Ukrainian: су́ка (súka)
- Urdu: کتیا (kutiya)

Section 7 of 7:

More Substitutes for Curse Words

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Check out these clean alternatives to your favorite curse words. If you’re at work, school, or around children, you’ll want to avoid swearing at all costs. Here are some hilarious alternatives to try the next time you stub your toe, forget about something, or get caught off guard:^{[2]
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- Ay, caramba!
- Badangadang!
- Balderdash!
- Barbara Streisand!
- Barnacles!
- Blimey!
- Bullspit!
- Cheese and crackers!
- Corn nuts!
- Cowabunga!
- Crappity!
- Crikey!
- Dagnabbit!
- Dagnabbit!
- Drat!
- Fishsticks!
- Frack!
- Fudge!
- Great Scott!
- Holy cow!
- Holy guacamole!
- Jabroni!
- Jeepers!
- Leapin’ lizards!
- Malarkey!
- Merlin’s bread!
- Mother fathers!
- Mother of pearl!
- Oh coconuts!
- Oh ship!
- Oh snap!
- Peas and rice!
- Phooey!
- Poo on a stick!
- Shitake mushrooms!
- Tarter sauce!
- Type shift!
- What the cuss?!
- What the hecky?!
- What the lush!
- William Shatner!