The 170 Funniest Substitutes for B**** & Other Swear Words

Searching for a funny replacement for the b-word? We’ve got you covered! In this article, we’re providing the ultimate list of b-word alternatives, whether you want something silly, polite, or creative, with help from comedian Manny Garavito. We’ll also cover how to say the b-word in different languages and provide substitutes for other curse words. Keep reading to clean up your vocab and make everyone laugh.

Funny Alternatives to the B-Word

Comedian Manny Garavito suggests using words that sound like they could be curse words, but aren’t. Try out these examples:

Wretch
Cad
Scallywag
Cretin
Nincompoop
Wench
Evil hag
Rotting meat bag

Section 1 of 7:

Funny Alternatives

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Drop a silly and random word to describe someone as a b****. There’s no better way to shake up the conversation than by replacing the b-word with something hilarious. Here are some other funny alternatives to get the giggles going:
- A bee with an itch
- Banana
- Beach
- Bench
- Bike handle
- Blockhead
- Bottom feeder
- Bowling ball
- Cat-smacker
- Charleston Chew
- Donut
- Evil hag
- Expired sausage
- Female dog
- Hairy foot
- Mouth breather
- Oily raisin
- Old leather chair
- Plastic bag
- Pond scum
- Pork chop
- Rampant goose
- Rancid witch
- Rotting meat bag
- Waste of oxygen
- Wind bag
Meet the wikiHow Expert

Manny Garavito is a stand-up comedian, producer, and founder of Miami Comedy. He's been featured in The Miami New Times and VoyageMIA as a comedy expert and has produced over 5,000 live comedy shows.

Section 2 of 7:

Silly Alternatives

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Replace the b-word with something nonsensical for loads of laughter. Looking for a silly alternative that will leave everyone in stitches? Get creative and replace the b-word with a random food, object, or animal. You’ll get extra laughs if you choose something that rhymes with the original curse word! Here are some examples if you want to use the phrase “son of a b****:”
- Son of a beanbag!
- Son of a biscuit!
- Son of a blunder!
- Son of a breadstick!
- Son of a brunch!
- Son of a cupcake!
- Son of a ditch!
- Son of a glitch!
- Son of a goblin!
- Son of a gun!
- Son of a ham sandwich!
- Son of a jellybean!
- Son of a Mitch!
- Son of a monkey!
- Son of a motherless goat!
- Son of a nutcracker!
- Son of a pickle jar!
- Son of a pitch!
- Son of a snitch!
- Son of a squash!
- Son of a stitch!
- Son of a switch!
- Son of a toenail!
- Son of a twitch!
- Son of a wizard’s beard!

Section 3 of 7:

Polite Alternatives

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Use professional language to call someone the b-word. Sometimes, you want to refer to your colleague or boss as the b-word… but you also want to keep your job and remain professional. When you get the urge to blurt out an expletive, here are some polite alternatives to get your point across:
- Aggressive
- Arrogant
- Bitter
- Cold-hearted
- Condescending
- Confrontational
- Controlling
- Demanding
- Difficult
- Disrespectful
- Dramatic
- Hypocritical
- Impatient
- Manipulative
- Mean
- Passive aggressive
- Relentless
- Rude
- Ruthless
- Sassy
- Shady
- Snarky
- Terrible
- Toxic
- Vicious

Section 4 of 7:

Classic Alternatives

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Stick to one of these classic insults to roast someone. Garavito suggests looking up actual vocabulary words that sound like they could be curse words, but aren’t.^{[1]
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Manny Garavito
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Expert Interview} While the following options might not be as sharp and snappy as the b-word, they’re clean, kid-friendly (for the most part), and hilarious! Consider using one of these classic alternatives the next time someone is acting like a b****:^{[2]
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- Cad^{[3]
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- Clown
- Cretin^{[4]
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- Degenerate
- Douche
- Floozy
- Fool
- Gremlin
- Hag
- Harlot
- Hussy
- Idiot
- Jerk
- Knucklehead
- Moron
- Nimrod
- Nincompoop^{[5]
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- Nitwit
- Prick
- Scallywag^{[6]
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- Scoundrel
- Scum
- Scumbag
- Tart
- Tramp
- Wench
- Witch
- Wretch^{[7]
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Section 5 of 7:

Creative Alternatives

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Call someone an animal to insult them creatively. Garavito says that since “b****” means “female dog,” you can try flipping that into your own way of describing one. For example, “frustrating feminine canine,” “petty pup princess,” or “redflag Rottweiler.”^{[8]
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Manny Garavito
Comedian

Expert Interview} You can also opt for an animal that’s definitely not cute (like a parasite or worm), if you want something a little spicier. Here’s a list of animals to use instead of calling someone the b-word:
- Badger
- Carp
- Centipede
- Cow
- Dog
- Donkey
- Ferret
- Filly
- Fly
- Frog
- Goat
- Harpy
- Horse
- Leech
- Maggot
- Parasite
- Pig
- Rat
- Shrew
- Skunk
- Sloth
- Slug
- Sow
- Tart
- Toad
- Vulture
- Weasel
- Worm

Section 6 of 7:

Saying the B-Word in Different Languages

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Turn to another language to say the b-word discreetly. This is a great strategy if you’re around English speakers, but make sure they’re not bilingual to avoid offense! Here’s how to say the b-word in various languages:
- Afrikaans: teef
- Arabic: كَلْبَة (kalba)
- Chinese: 婊子 (biǎozi)
- Croatian: kuja
- Czech: fena
- Danish: tæve
- Dutch: teef
- Finnish: narttu
- French: chienne
- German: Hündin
- Greek: σκύλα (skýla)
- Hindi: कमीनी (kamini)
- Hungarian: kurva
- Italian: cagna
- Japanese: あばずれ (abazure)
- Korean: 개년 (gaenyeon)
- Polish: suka
- Portuguese: cadela
- Romanian: cățea
- Russian: су́ка (súka)
- Spanish: perra
- Swedish: hynda
- Turkish: orospu
- Ukrainian: су́ка (súka)
- Urdu: کتیا (kutiya)

Section 7 of 7:

More Substitutes for Curse Words

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Check out these clean alternatives to your favorite curse words. If you’re at work, school, or around children, you’ll want to avoid swearing at all costs. Here are some hilarious alternatives to try the next time you stub your toe, forget about something, or get caught off guard:^{[9]
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- Ay, caramba!
- Badangadang!
- Balderdash!
- Barbara Streisand!
- Barnacles!
- Blimey!
- Bullspit!
- Cheese and crackers!
- Corn nuts!
- Cowabunga!
- Crappity!
- Crikey!
- Dagnabbit!
- Dagnabbit!
- Drat!
- Fishsticks!
- Frack!
- Fudge!
- Great Scott!
- Holy cow!
- Holy guacamole!
- Jabroni!
- Jeepers!
- Leapin’ lizards!
- Malarkey!
- Merlin’s bread!
- Mother fathers!
- Mother of pearl!
- Oh coconuts!
- Oh ship!
- Oh snap!
- Peas and rice!
- Phooey!
- Poo on a stick!
- Shitake mushrooms!
- Tarter sauce!
- Type shift!
- What the cuss?!
- What the hecky?!
- What the lush!
- William Shatner!