What to Say to a Girl You Like When She Has a Boyfriend

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Expert tips on pursuing her respectfully and effectively

Co-authored by John Keegan and Bertha Isabel Crombet, PhD

Last Updated: October 27, 2025 Fact Checked

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Getting Closer to Her

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Assessing the Situation

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Making a Move

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Expert Q&A

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Tips

It can be a pretty difficult situation when the girl you like is in a relationship with someone else. However, you can still talk to her, get to know her, and show her that you’re an awesome person. By being respectful, sweet, and refreshing, you might even make her fall for you! Keep reading for an in-depth guide to talking to a girl you like, even if she’s taken, with helpful advice from our dating coaches John Keegan and Connell Barrett.

How to Talk to a Girl Who Has a Boyfriend

Be her friend and get to know her. Treat her with respect and show her how awesome you are. Find out how serious her relationship with her boyfriend is, and decide if it’s worth it to tell her how you feel and see if she’s willing to end her relationship. Respect her decision, and take things slow if she chooses you.

Section 1 of 3:

Getting to Know Her

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Be her friend first. If the object of your affections has a boyfriend, starting off as her friend is a good idea, even if you ultimately want to get out of the friend zone. According to Barrett, you have an “opportunity to be present and charming and attractive even if you're not going to go on a date with her.”^{[1]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach

Expert Interview} This might mean initiating engaging conversations, sharing laughs, and being there for her if and when she needs you.^{[2]
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- Be a light of positivity in her life, whether it be via sincere compliments, emotional support, or making her laugh. If nothing else, she’ll always be happy around you! 
- If you’re connected on social media, send her memes. This can lead to inside jokes, which are a form of intimacy. 
- Don’t make yourself too available to hang out all the time— that’s what boyfriends are for! Plus, she might miss you when you’re busy.
Meet the wikiHow Experts

John Keegan is a dating coach based in New York City. With over 15 years of professional experience, he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love, and hosts international dating workshops.

Connell Barrett is a dating coach and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation. He has over 5 years of experience and helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves.
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Get to know her well. Asking her thoughtful, engaging questions is a good way to get to know her and nurture your connection. Not only that, but it can also help you decide if you two are truly compatible or if it’s just a crush with little substance. Learn about her hobbies, her family and friends, and everything else that makes her tick. Keegan says, “The number one thing to do is to be a great listener, and actually hear her.”^{[3]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview} From basic questions to deeper ones about her hopes and dreams, here are some ideas to help you get to know her better:^{[4]
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- What's your favorite TV show/movie/song/musical artist?  
- Where is your happy place? 
- What family member are you closest to? 
- What’s the best gift you’ve ever been given? 
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Treat her with respect. If you want the girl to like you, then you have to be respectful of her and of the fact that she has a boyfriend. Don't make jokes or say demeaning things about her boyfriend or her relationship. While you can compliment her, it’s not necessarily a good look for you to openly hit on a girl who has a boyfriend. Instead of trying to romance her, let her see that you view her as someone truly special who deserves the world.
- Even if she is entertaining the idea of being with you, you may ruin it by trying to hook up with her right away.
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Find opportunities to hang out in person. Whether you're studying together, going to the same party, or just hanging out at a coffee shop after class, make sure you spend some time with her IRL. Don't just flirt over text or send her DMs on Instagram because it could become a pen pal situation, which you don’t want. If you think it would be too weird or too much pressure to hang out one-on-one, hang out with her in a group setting first.^{[5]
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- When she seems comfortable around you, try to hang out with her alone when possible, so she can start thinking about you romantically and notice how much chemistry you two have.
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Make her feel special. Allow her to realize that you see something unique in her, and that you're not just trying to get together with her because you think she's a hottie. Compliment her hair, an aspect of her personality, or her ability to work so hard in school. Don’t blatantly hit on her, touch her too frequently, or be too obvious about your affections in general, but let her know that you really see something special in her.^{[6]
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- If she has a feeling that you genuinely have a sense of the amazing person she is, then she may start to see that you could be the right guy for her.
- Show her that you really care about her opinion. Ask her what she thinks about your new shoes, your chemistry teacher, or a new band you like. Let her see that you really value her thoughts.
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Let her call the shots. If all goes well, it will get to the point where she really likes you and wants to spend more time together. Mention a movie you want to see and see if she asks to come along. Tell her about a party you're throwing and see if she'd like to be there. Put the ball in her court so she can make these decisions on her own and not feel like you're putting too much pressure on her.
- Play a little bit hard to get! After all, you’re a very eligible bachelor yourself.

Section 2 of 3:

Assessing the Situation

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Ask about her boyfriend. If the boyfriend is one of your close friends, reconsider your crush unless you want to risk ruining your friendship. But if you don't know who the boyfriend is and want to understand what he’s like, then you can try to slyly get a better overall idea without prying too much. Keegan advises that you figure out “how serious it is,” and whether she’s “in love with him” and “sees a future.”^{[7]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview} Here's what you can say:
- "What are you up to this weekend? Plans with the boyfriend?"
- "How long have you been with your boyfriend?"
- "Are marriage, kids, and all that in the cards for you two?"
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See if she's happy in her current relationship. Try to get an idea of how she's feeling just by making casual comments and seeing if she responds negatively or affirmatively. If she complains to you about her boyfriend all the time, then that is a strong sign that her relationship is not going great. However, don’t try to break up a happy, committed couple.
- Say, "It must be nice to live with your partner. What's that like?" Or, "You've been together for two years? That's a pretty long time…"
- While she’s still in a relationship, avoid telling anyone that you like her unless it’s someone you feel you can totally trust. It could get back to her, which you may not want.
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Look for signs that she’s into you. To find out if she likes you back, look for clues. Does she go out of her way to talk to you? Does she light up when you walk into the room? Does she make excuses to always be at your side? Does she even flirt a little bit? If so, then yes, there's a good chance that she may have a crush on you! Here are some other ways you can see if this is the case:^{[8]
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- Make comments about other girls in front of her. Notice any signs of jealousy.
- Give her a compliment or two. See if she gives one back. Keegan believes that if she’s “very warm back to you, and there's a definite connection” and “rapport,” you may have a chance at romance with her.^{[9]
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Hint at your feelings for her without making them obvious. When you see her, smile and make eye contact. Try to break the touch barrier with her by finding an excuse to brush against her or touch her arm. Pay her a compliment about something she clearly puts effort into, like her style or how well-read she is. Don’t cross the line—but don’t quit the race.^{[10]
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- Barrett says, “You should respect the boyfriend […] However, that doesn't mean you can't flirt with her, or that you can't treat her well and let her know that she's an attractive and cool person.”^{[11]
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Be your best authentic self around her. You shouldn't have to fake it to impress your crush and make her see that you're a guy worth knowing. Stay modest and humble while letting her see that you have potential. Show her that you’re cool, talented, and interesting, and someone who would be perfect for her. Just be your best self without feeling like you're being dishonest.^{[12]
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- Open up to her about the things that matter to you. Hopefully, she'll also open up.
- After you tell her something that might be a bit private, you can say, "I haven't talked to anyone about that in a long time. It's just so easy to talk to you for some reason."
- Don’t manipulate her with your feelings, but do be vulnerable. She’ll feel special that you’re trusting her in this way.
Although the time you spend with her may always feel a bit limited—because of the boyfriend and all—try to make every moment together worthwhile. Surprise her with a silly little gift, an outing to a fun place, and make her laugh as much as possible. Research shows that people who make women laugh have increased chance of romantic success with them, especially if both of you are laughing together!^{[13]
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Be persistent (without being annoying). This is a delicate balance to find. You want her to know that you’re into her without coming on too strong.^{[14]
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Research source} Talk to her at parties, walk alongside her after class, but try not to become the guy that she can flirt with before she goes home to her boyfriend.
- Be around, let her know you're interested, but also let her see that you have your own life and won't necessarily wait around forever.
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Consider the ethics of pursuing a girl who’s taken. They say the heart wants what the heart wants, and in this case, it’s someone else’s girlfriend. While feelings are typically out of our control, our actions are not. Put yourself in her boyfriend’s shoes. How might this affect him? How would you feel if someone swooped in and stole your girl? Pursuing her might not just hurt him, but it could hurt her and even you.^{[15]
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- If she breaks up with him for you and you quickly realize it’s not a compatible match, the damage could be irreversible.
- Think carefully about what it would mean to cross those boundaries and the potential consequences.

Section 3 of 3:

Making a Move & Dating Her

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If you just flirt around with her for months, this might set the wrong tone because you don’t just want to flirt—you want to date her. And the longer you go without making a move, the less clear your intentions may seem. So, let her know how you feel. Tell her you’re interested in dating and see what her response is—it takes guts, but it can be worth the risk!
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Accept her decision if she’s not interested. The truth is that the girl you’re crushing on is in a relationship with someone else, and she may very well want it to stay that way. If she lets you know that she’s not interested, whether it be because she’s taken or otherwise, respect her choice and move on. Keegan advises that you “quickly make up your mind to stop being attracted to [her],” sharing that “there are billions of people [on Earth]” and assuring that you can “find a new crush.”^{[16]
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John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview}
- Barrett adds, “You should find someone who's single and available.”^{[17]
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  Connell Barrett
  Dating Coach
  
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Take your relationship slow if she leaves him to be with you. If she decides to break up with her BF, give her time and space to process the situation. It’s normal for her to be upset, even if she likes you, and even if her relationship wasn’t all that great. Don’t overwhelm her with constant attention. Instead, give her space and hang out with her whenever she's ready.^{[18]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

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- Break-ups are always painful, even if you're the person who did the breaking up. She'll still be dealing with pain and the inevitable grief that comes from saying goodbye to something, even if it wasn't meant to be. Be as understanding and supportive as possible.
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Avoid talking about her ex-boyfriend. If possible, never bring up the ex, especially not to make fun of him, call him names, remind her that he wasn't good enough for her, or anything of the sort. Though your intentions may be pure and you may just want to make her feel better about ending it, she could take this as an assault on her former relationship and feel offended, because it's likely that she still has tender feelings for her ex.^{[19]
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- Give it time. If she just got out of a 5-year relationship, then she may not be ready to talk about that part of her life for a long time. Be patient and don’t press her.
- Avoid her ex-boyfriend. He may try to fight with you and harass you because he may know you were a factor in their breakup. Keep your distance as much as possible. If he confronts you, don't try to provoke him.
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Don’t project insecurities onto your new relationship. Considering the way your relationship with her began, you may be suddenly concerned that she’ll be unfaithful to you or have an inappropriate relationship with another guy in the future. However, this thought process won’t do you or your new relationship any good. Hopefully, she got out of her last relationship because it was not good for her and because she saw something special in you.
- If she has a pattern of this behavior, then that is something to worry about, but if not, try not to stress too much.
- Your job is to focus on your new relationship instead of worrying that she's seeing someone on the side; if you're constantly jealous and paranoid, the relationship may not be off to a promising start.
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Give yourselves a fresh start. Sure, you might have met in a somewhat unconventional and undesirable way, but that doesn't mean you can’t have a normal, healthy relationship moving forward. Focus on what's ahead of you instead of looking behind, and work on building a solid foundation for your love. Even if you had a rocky beginning, you can still form a strong bond by focusing on the things you’ll do together, instead of any of the pain that is behind you.^{[20]
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Mental Health Foundation
UK charity working towards good mental health for all.

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- This doesn't mean you can never talk about the period when you were getting together on the d/l. But it does mean that you should focus on all of the great things ahead of you, not on the pain that you might have felt in the beginning.
- Find new things that neither of you has done that you have always wanted to try, whether it's making your own sushi, going on a long hike, or taking a pottery class together.
- Look for activities, places, and things you can claim as yours and that you can use to build a solid foundation for your love. Then just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride!

Join the Discussion...

What if I like my BFF but she has a bf?

Paws and Claws

I have a crush on my bestie. She has a bf. I've liked her for 2 years now and cant get over it. I've told her and she wasn't surprised so I told her that I didn't anymore. What should I do?

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How do you tell if she's hiding her feelings for you?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Look for signs such as strong eye contact, lots of holding and physical contact as well. If these things are present and your gut is saying that there's something there, there's a good chance you're right.

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If the girl you like talks about her boyfriend to you a lot, it may mean she views you as a friend. She might think she can talk to you about the guy she's with since she's treating you like one of her "girlfriends".

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