How to Win the Heart of a Girl When She's Already Taken

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Subtle ways to win her over without disrupting her relationship

Co-authored by John Keegan and Bertha Isabel Crombet, PhD

Last Updated: October 12, 2025 Fact Checked

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Assesing the Situation

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Getting Close

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Dating Her

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Final Takeaways

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Video

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Q&A

If the girl you like already has a boyfriend, pursuing a relationship with her can get complicated. Not only is she more likely to reject you than she would be if she were single, but you’ll likely have to deal with resentment from her current boyfriend, not to mention the moral implications of going for a taken woman. If you really care for her and want to give it a shot anyway, keep reading for a step-by-step guide on how to do so, with valuable insights from dating and relationship experts.

How to Get a Girl with a Boyfriend

According to dating coach John Keegan, determine how serious she is about her boyfriend and consider the potential complications of pursuing someone who's taken. Look for signs that the attraction is mutual. If she leaves him, be her friend, treat her with respect, and wait. If she's not interested in you, back off.

Section 1 of 4:

Assessing the Situation

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1
Ask yourself why you want to get involved with her. Before you make any moves, consider why you want to go after someone who’s already in a relationship. Do you genuinely care about this girl and have her best interests at heart? Do you really believe she’d be happier with you than she is in her current relationship? If not, stop and seriously consider whether pursuing a relationship with her is really a good idea.^{[1]
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- For example, if you’re trying to win her over just because you enjoy a challenge or because you want to get back at her current boyfriend for something, you’re probably not going to end up with a very happy or fulfilling relationship.
Meet the wikiHow Experts

April Davis is a matchmaker who is committed to finding her clients the person they will spend the rest of their lives with.

John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker with over 15 years of professional experience.

Connell Barrett is a relationship expert and dating coach with over five years of experience.
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Find out if she’s happy in her current relationship. Let's face it—you probably won't be winning the girl over if she's head-over-heels in love with her current boyfriend. But if she seems bored with her relationship or you see signs that he’s not treating her right, you may have a chance. Keegan says understanding how serious the relationship is can also help you figure out your next move. “The word boyfriend [is] very elusive and broad in its meaning,” he begins. “For example, ‘boyfriend’ could mean that we have been together for 3 years, we live together, and we're thinking about marriage. Or, it could mean I met some guy two weeks ago and I really liked them and I'm going to see where it goes,” he explains.^{[2]
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John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview}
- Keegan adds that a general rule of thumb is to “make your intentions known and move away” if someone is in a very serious relationship.^{[4]
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  John Keegan
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- If you have the opportunity, try observing how your crush and her boyfriend seem together. Do you notice a lot of tension and awkward silences? Does he snap at her or put her down? Or do you see tons of laughter, smiles, and physical affection?^{[5]
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- It can also be helpful to talk to one of the girl’s close friends about how her relationship is going.
Tip: Even if her current relationship seems terrible to you, don’t expect her to walk away from it easily. It can be very difficult to leave an unhealthy relationship.^{[3]
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Look for signs that she’s interested in you. If the girl you like doesn’t like you back at least a little bit, you’re not going to make much headway. Before you try to make a move, look for signals that the attraction is mutual. Keegan says that flirting, strong eye contact, and initiating physical contact are all signs that she’s attracted to you and feels safe around you.^{[6]
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John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview} For example, does she:
- Make a lot of eye contact when you talk to her?^{[7]
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- Laugh and smile a lot when she’s with you?
- Look for opportunities to spend time with you?
- Open up to you easily?
- Touch you frequently?
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Back off if you don’t think you can handle a complicated relationship. Getting romantically involved with a girl who already has a boyfriend will automatically create a bunch of problems for your relationship. Dating Coach Connell Barrett says that pursuing someone in a relationship often creates drama.^{[8]
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Connell Barrett
Dating Coach

Expert Interview} So, consider whether you're ready for that before officially starting to pursue her. Keegan echoes this sentiment and shares that it’s generally not a good idea to date someone who is already involved with somebody else.^{[9]
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John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview} Before you attempt anything, consider:^{[10]
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- Are you ready to deal with the pain that your actions will probably cause for her current boyfriend, and possibly for you and her as well?
- Are you confident that you will be able to build a stronger relationship with her than the one she already has?
- If she’s willing to leave her current boyfriend for you, are you prepared for the possibility that she might leave you for someone else in the future?

Section 2 of 4:

Getting Closer to Her

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Spend time with her as a friend. Before you start making any moves, take some time to get to know the girl. This will not only give her a chance to warm up to you, but will also give you a better idea of whether this risky relationship is worth pursuing. Look for opportunities to hang out with her and do fun things together, purely as friends, without any romantic expectations. According to Barrett, an actual friendship doesn’t have to be off limits, either. “With total transparency, you can say, ‘I totally respect that you're dating somebody, but you seem cool, we could become friends… we all need more friends.’”^{[11]
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Connell Barrett
Dating Coach

Expert Interview}
- You might be worried about ending up in the “friend zone,” but research shows that friendship is actually a great foundation for a romantic relationship. Don’t be afraid to be a friend first before taking your relationship to the next level!^{[12]
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- To make her feel more at ease, try inviting her out with other friends at first. That way, she won’t feel like you’re trying to ask her out on a date right away.
- For example, you might invite her to a party or a group movie night.^{[13]
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Treat her with respect. Remember that this girl is a fellow human being, not a potential conquest. Take her—and the fact that she’s already in a relationship—seriously. If she’s uncomfortable with anything you’re doing, respect her boundaries and back off. Barrett believes that you should always “respect the boyfriend.”^{[14]
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Connell Barrett
Dating Coach

Expert Interview} Matchmaker April Davis agrees, stating that while your approach might vary depending on the situation and your existing relationship with this person, it’s still “important to respect boundaries.”^{[15]
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April Davis
Matchmaker

Expert Interview}
- For example, if she says, “Hey, I don’t like the way you poke fun at my boyfriend,” don’t get defensive. Just apologize and stop doing it.^{[16]
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- Davis notes that “if they're not interested… then you will probably have to draw some boundaries and cut off the relationship.”^{[17]
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Give her your full attention when you’re together. Let the girl know you value and appreciate her by showing a genuine interest in her when you hang out. Keep up your side of the conversation, but let her do most of the talking. When she says something, follow up with a question to let her know that you’re listening actively to what she has to say.^{[18]
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- For example, if she says that she wants to become a doctor, don’t just say, “Oh, cool,” and move on. Ask her something like, “How did you get interested in medicine?”
- Don’t spend the whole conversation planning what you’re going to say next. Instead, focus on what she’s saying and respond to that.
- Put away your cell phone and any other distractions when you’re together.
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Open up to her a little bit. If you can allow yourself to be a little vulnerable with her, the girl will have a better idea of who you are and where you’re coming from. By opening up to her, you can also show her that you trust her and feel comfortable with her.^{[19]
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- For example, you might share a secret with her, admit to a flaw, or let her see you put yourself on the spot by trying something new.
- Don’t be afraid to let her see you get a little emotional. For example, if you’re watching a sad movie together and you get a bit choked up, don’t try to hide it from her!
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Flirt with her a little if she seems okay with it. If it seems like she’s comfortable with you and enjoys your company, try adding a little light flirting into the mix. Make sure to make eye contact and smile a lot when you talk to her. Keegan advises that you initiate a hug, and if she’s into it, say something like, “Hey, I think there's something more happening between us besides our friendship, I think something's growing here." He says, “You can just bring it up and see what they say and how they feel about it.”^{[20]
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John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview} You can also flirt by:^{[21]
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- Joking with her and teasing her playfully. If you try teasing her, keep it good-natured and light. Don’t say anything mean-spirited or make her the butt of a joke.
- Acting confident. Sit up straight and speak in a clear, strong voice. Keep your body language open and relaxed when you’re with her.
- Drawing attention to your mouth. This may sound odd, but getting her to notice your lips may get her thinking about kissing you. Smile a lot and touch your chin occasionally. If you have a drink, hold your glass by your mouth a couple seconds longer than you normally would.
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Show her that you'd be a good partner. If you want to attract a girl who’s already in a relationship, you’ll need to be more appealing to her than her current boyfriend is. Don’t try to act like him because you think that’s what she likes—instead, be the best version of yourself when you’re with her. If you know there’s anything she’s not getting from her current relationship, try to show that you can provide those things.^{[22]
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Mental Health Foundation
UK charity working towards good mental health for all.

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- For example, maybe you’ve noticed that her current boyfriend never jokes around with her. If you’re naturally funny, let that quality shine—she’ll probably appreciate being around someone who can get her to laugh.
- If her boyfriend doesn’t show much of an interest in her hobbies, show her that you’re different by asking questions or finding ways to participate. For example, you might say, “Oh, you like board games? I’ve been dying to try out Catan. Maybe we can play sometime!”
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Drop hints that you’re interested in her. Once you’ve gotten a chance to spend time with her and get close, find a way to subtly let her know that you’d like to be more than friends. Don’t put pressure on her or expect her to reciprocate—just let her know how you feel and give her a chance to respond.
- If you want to give her subtle hints, you can try offering her sincere compliments. For example, say, “Wow, Charlotte, you look so nice today!” or “Spending time with you always brightens my whole day.”
- You can also try showing your attraction with physical touch—for example, you could put your hand on her shoulder or touch her hand for a moment while you talk.^{[23]
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  Research source} Only do this if she seems comfortable with it, though.
- If you’re not good at making subtle hints and you feel pretty confident that she’s also interested in you, you can try simply confessing how you feel. Keep in mind that this could be a risky move, however!
EXPERT TIP

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Ask how serious her relationship is. Find out whether she's in love with him and if she sees a future with him. You might find that she's ready to move on from her current boyfriend and open to a new relationship.
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Let her make the next move. If you’re pretty sure she knows you’re interested, it’s up to her to take it from there. If she wants something to happen, she might ask you to hang out one-on-one or even confess her feelings for you directly. Keegan says that “if she's very warm [with] you, and there's a definite connection and rapport, there's a mutual attraction.”^{[24]
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John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview}
- Don’t put pressure on her! Even if she is interested in you, she’s already in the tough position of deciding between you and her current boyfriend. She’ll likely feel resentful and uncomfortable if you put her on the spot.^{[25]
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Section 3 of 4:

Entering a Relationship With Her

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Give her time to deal with the breakup. No matter what the circumstances, breakups are almost always hard. Understand that even if the girl breaks up with her boyfriend just to be with you, she may need some time to deal with her feelings before she can move forward with you.^{[26]
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- Don’t try to rush her or pressure her to get over it before she’s ready.
- You may not want to hear about her feelings for her ex, but remember, you need to be supportive if you want to be a good significant other. Listen if she wants to talk about it, and offer her a shoulder to cry on if she needs one.
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Continue to be kind and respectful if you do get together. Remember, she made a major decision when she decided to go with you despite being in a relationship already. Let her know it was worth it by treating her well and being there for her. Barrett shares that it’s a good idea to make sure you align on what he calls the “big life stuff,” like religion, location, and having children. He explains, “Two people who fall in love with passion and excitement early on can still end up having trouble in the relationship if they don't have their big life stuff aligned.”^{[27]
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Connell Barrett
Dating Coach

Expert Interview}
- Let her know you care by being thoughtful and compassionate. For example, check up on her if you know she’s having a rough time, and make an effort to really listen if she wants to talk.
- Show genuine interest in her as a person. Talk to her about her interests, hopes, and dreams, and spend time doing things with her that she enjoys.
3
Make an effort to keep the relationship fun. If she left her last relationship because she was bored, you’ll need to work hard to make sure your relationship with her doesn’t end up the same way. Keep things exciting by doing fun things together and surprising her occasionally with something new.^{[28]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

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- For example, you might go camping together or go to a new fun spot in town that’s just opened up.
- You don’t have to do anything too elaborate—try surprising her with little gifts or a romantic evening at home now and then.
Tip: Don’t assume you know how she’s feeling or what she’ll enjoy doing. Try asking her what she wants to do sometimes!
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Be prepared for complicated emotions. You and your girlfriend might both have some complex feelings about her previous relationship. For example, she might feel some guilt about leaving her boyfriend, and you may feel a little jealous or insecure when she talks about him. If this happens, be honest with her and yourself about how you feel, but don’t be judgmental or make accusations. It’s natural for things to be a bit complicated under the circumstances.^{[29]
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- If you talk to your girlfriend about your feelings, use “I” language so that she doesn’t feel like you are pointing fingers or blaming her for how you feel. For example, say, “I sometimes feel anxious when you talk about your ex. I worry that you still have strong feelings for him.”^{[30]
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- Don’t make it a one-way conversation—be prepared to listen to what your girlfriend has to say, too, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

Section 4 of 4:

Final Takeaways

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Consider every consequence before breaking a couple up. No matter how much you like this girl, the truth is that things are likely to get messy if you choose to pursue her while she’s in a relationship. Not only is there a good chance that she will not be comfortable ending her current relationship, but you’d be starting off on the wrong foot in your new relationship together.
- Barrett suggests seriously considering making her your friend. He says, “You can turn an attractive woman who has a boyfriend into your friend and wing woman, and she will be much more effective than your male wing men.”^{[31]
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  Expert Interview} If a friendship is possible, this may be a much better alternative than breaking up a happy couple.
- If she says she’s not interested in you, respect her wishes and don’t keep pushing it.

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Does She Like Me?

Some girls can feel like a total mystery. How can you figure out if she likes you just as a friend or if she wants something more? Take this quiz to find out!

1 of 12

How do her friends treat you?

They told me that she likes me.

They giggle and laugh with her when I walk into the room.

They’ve mentioned her in conversation.

They haven’t done anything out of the ordinary (or I don't know them).

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What if I like my BFF but she has a bf?

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I have a crush on my bestie. She has a bf. I've liked her for 2 years now and cant get over it. I've told her and she wasn't surprised so I told her that I didn't anymore. What should I do?

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What if she likes you and the other guy and cannot decide who she wants?

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You'll need to give her time to make a decision on her own. Ultimately, it's up to her to make the choice about which relationship she values more. Don't feel obligated to wait around, though--if she just can't decide, it may be best for you to move on and find a relationship with someone who's not already attached.

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Question

She knows I love her and she broke up with her boy friend but she is not forgetting him and she is not loving me. What should I do?

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It's natural for her to have complicated feelings about her ex-boyfriend under the circumstances. If you think it's worthwhile to keep fighting for the relationship, sit down with her and have a heart-to-heart talk about where things stand between you, without judging or making accusations. If you feel like she's still too in love with her ex to make things work, it might be time to move on.

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A girl asked me to a disco but along with her boyfriend. I think she wants her boyfriend to get jealous. She didn't ask anyone else to go. What should I do?

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Trust your instincts. If you're pretty sure that she's just trying to make her boyfriend jealous, it's probably better not to go. You could end up in a pretty toxic and uncomfortable situation if you go along with it.

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