170+ Funny Sayings & Witty One-Liners

Plus, top tips for delivering a funny saying

Co-authored by Kendall Payne and Aimee Payne, MFA

Last Updated: December 11, 2025 Fact Checked

• Funny Sayings About Life
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• Work
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• Online
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• Kids
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• Parents
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• Family
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• Best Friends
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• Couples
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• Quotes
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• Golf
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• Tombstones
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• For T-shirts
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• Delivering Funny Sayings

|Show more |Show less

Do you dream of dropping a funny saying that makes your friends, family, and coworkers laugh so hard they cry? Well, you’ve come to the right place. This article gives you over 170 funny sayings to help you crack people up at work, on the internet, or even on the golf course. Plus, we spoke with life coaches and a comedian to get their best advice for delivering a funny saying that lands.

Top-Tier Funny Sayings

• 9 out of 10 voices in my head say I’m crazy. The 10th is humming.
• My brain has too many tabs open.
• I’m not weird. I’m a limited edition.
• I'd take a Nerf bullet for you.
• I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
• Why be moody when you can shake your booty?
• In a world full of bagels, you’re a doughnut.

Steps

Section 1 of 13:

Funny Sayings About Life

1. 
   Make people laugh with a funny phrase about life. According to certified life coach Rachel Kove, laughter is one of the most healing things you can do for yourself, and she recommends making an effort to find the humor in every situation. Here are a few funny sayings about life to leave them rolling in the aisles:

   • Birthdays are really good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.
   • I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
   • I’m not saying I’m overreacting. I’m just saying there are good times. There are bad times. And there are bad times to hand me a chainsaw.
   • Whatever you’re doing, always give 100%... unless you’re donating blood.
   • A true optimist is someone who falls off a skyscraper and, after 50 floors, thinks to themselves, “So far, so good!”
   • A diamond is just a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
   • Everyone has the right to be dumb. Some people abuse that privilege.
   • I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
   • Expecting the unexpected makes the unexpected expected.
   • I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.
   • Confessions are great for the soul… not so much for your reputation.
   • I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
   • 9 out of 10 voices in my head say I’m crazy. The 10th is humming.
   • I’m swift as a gazelle… an old one… with arthritis… run over by a Land Rover… 8 days ago.
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Section 2 of 13:

Funny Work Sayings

1. 
   Help your work day go a little faster with a funny saying. Public speaking coach Patrick Muñoz suggests using humor carefully in very serious situations and really paying attention to your audience’s reaction. So, make sure you take care to avoid getting reported to HR. If you work at a joker-friendly workplace, try one of these funny sayings:

   • A train station is where a train stops. A bus station is where a bus stops. I have a work station on my desk, so…
   • I respect the opinion of everyone who agrees with me.
   • After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
   • The best part of coming to work is going home at the end of the day.
   • I’m calling out for tomorrow. I don’t have enough brain cells to show up.
   • I need a 6-month vacation, twice a year.
   • Sometimes my greatest work accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
   • Organized people are just too lazy to look for their things.
   • Group projects helped me understand why Batman works alone.
   • If nothing is impossible, I’ve been doing the impossible for years.
   • We need to invent a day between Saturday and Sunday.
   • I’m out of my mind. Be back in 5 minutes.
   • The first 5 days of the week are the hardest.
   • I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

Section 3 of 13:

Short Funny Sayings for the Internet

1. 
   Keep your online profile fresh with a hilarious saying. When you’re sharing a funny saying on the internet, the shorter the better. People’s attention spans are getting shorter. As they scroll, they might be more likely to read and comprehend your post if it’s shorter. Here are a few short and funny sayings to get the laughs you’re looking for:

   • I’d be offended, but I’m too busy correcting your grammar.
   • If money doesn’t buy happiness, I want to be sad and rich.
   • I speak fluent ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.
   • Caution: I have no filter.
   • ERROR 404: Motivation not found.
   • Just because I’m awake doesn’t mean I’m ready to do anything.
   • I do my own stunts… but never intentionally.
   • My brain has too many tabs open.
   • Taking life one WTF at a time.
   • Sorry, I’m late. My alarm didn’t go off because I didn’t set it, because I don’t want to be here.
   • One day, I’m going to make the onions cry.
   • I am an example to others. A bad example.
   • Do you want to know the secret to getting rich? Me too.
   • I’m not weird. I’m a limited edition.
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Section 4 of 13:

Funny & Silly Sayings for Kids

1. 
   Give the kiddos a case of the giggles with a silly saying. Kids can be tough, but don’t sweat it if they don’t laugh. “You just have to go with it and make the best [joke] that you can, and then the next one is going to be better,” advises Comedian Kendall Payne. And remember, when it comes to kids, the sillier the better. Try these funny, kid-friendly phrases to get started:

   • I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
   • I’m so glad we have brown cows. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be any chocolate milk.
   • I’m not clumsy. The floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
   • You should always knock before opening a fridge, just in case there's a salad dressing inside.
   • A balanced diet simply means having cupcakes in each hand.
   • Being an adult is like folding a sheet. No one really knows how to do it.
   • There are three different types of people. Those who can count, and those who can’t.
   • You have to love your siblings, even when they borrow your stuff and never give it back.
   • Is cardboard more board than card or more card than board?
   • I’m not always hungry; sometimes I’m sleepy, too.
   • Running in place will get you nowhere fast.
   • People are like refrigerators: it’s what’s inside that matters.
   • Sometimes I just wish aliens would abduct me and crown me their leader.
   • Why be moody when you can shake your booty?

Section 5 of 13:

Funny Things to Say to Your Parents

1. 
   Crack up your mom and dad with a perfectly timed funny saying. Making your parents laugh is a great way to strengthen your relationship. Laughter also helps improve their immune system and relieve pain, so it really is the best medicine! Check out these funny sayings to keep your parents in stitches:

   • Here I am! What are your other 2 wishes?
   • Never underestimate your child’s ability to embarrass you.
   • Patience is a virtue, but I don’t want to wait that long.
   • You guys are the only people who roast me at dinner and still expect me to do the dishes.
   • We place too much emphasis on the early bird's good luck and not enough on the early worm's bad luck.
   • Hello from the other side of the couch because I’m not getting up.
   • I’m currently unsupervised. I know, it freaks me out, too, but the possibilities are endless.
   • Why is there a light in the fridge if we’re not meant to have midnight snacks?
   • I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.
   • You’ve always taught me to be independent. Thank you for giving me enough of your hard-earned money so I can be.
   • Excuse my naivety… I was born at a very early age.
   • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not really sure.
   • I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.
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Section 6 of 13:

Funny Things to Say to Extended Family

1. 
   Have them rolling at the family reunion with a funny quip. Making members of your extended family laugh is a great way to break the ice at family gatherings. Payne suggests looking for humor in everyday situations to see what other people miss. This can help you use a funny saying that even your Great-Aunt Norma can relate to. Try one of these funny sayings to get the chuckles going:

   • We put the “fun” in “dysfunctional.”
   • This family is temperamental—half temper, half mental.
   • Remember, as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice, normal family.
   • I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.
   • Nothing brings this family together like yelling, “Dinner’s ready!”
   • My parents told me to follow my dreams, so I turned to the side and kept sleeping.
   • A psychiatrist is someone who will charge you money for answers that you can get for free from your family.
   • I’m really jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid as cool, smart, and funny as they do.
   • My parents moved around a lot when I was growing up, but I always found them.
   • I’m so glad this family is on my side. You would make terrifying enemies.
   • Take my advice—I’m not using it.
   • I’d like to apologize to anyone I haven’t yet offended. Please be patient. I’ll get to you shortly.
   • I do all my ironing in the dryer.
   • If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Section 7 of 13:

Funny Things to Say to Your Best Friend

1. 
   Keep your best friend in stitches with a gut-busting line. Humor is a wonderful way to bring more joy and zest to your bestie’s life. And sharing laughter can help strengthen your bond. Bring a smile to your BBF’s face with one of these truly funny friend-themed lines:

   • Alcohol doesn’t solve anything… but neither does milk.
   • You don't have to be crazy to be my friend. I'll train you.
   • Best friends: they know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen in public with you.
   • A best friend is someone who clears your search history immediately after you die.
   • Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
   • Friends are the bacon bits in the salad bowl of life.
   • Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.
   • You’re one of the few people I find tolerable.
   • I'd take a Nerf bullet for you.
   • A best friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though they know you're slightly cracked.
   • No one will ever be as entertained by us as us.
   • Friends don't let friends do silly things…alone.
   • If you can’t laugh at yourself, I can help you out.
   • According to my mirror, I’m pregnant. Nutella is the father.
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Section 8 of 13:

Funny Things to Say to Your Significant Other

1. 
   Use a funny saying to inject a little laughter into your relationship. Did you know that having a sense of humor is attractive to others? It’s true! It also helps defuse conflict. Both are important to keeping your relationship with your sweetie strong. Light up your SO’s day with one of the funny sayings below:

   • Even if you were cloned, you'd still be the better-looking one.
   • You’re so damn sexy that children below 18 shouldn’t be allowed to look at you without parental supervision.
   • I can't take my eyes off you. Unless you notice me, then I'll quickly look away and act like it never happened.
   • I bet cartoon birds help you get ready every morning.
   • Hey, you’re pretty, and I’m cute. Together, we’d be pretty cute.
   • In a world full of bagels, you’re a doughnut.
   • Tell your parents I said, “Well done.”
   • If I were a serial killer, I’d kill you last.
   • I’d say bless you, but it looks like you already have been.
   • If there’s one thing I like about you, it’s that I like more than just one thing about you.
   • You know what I'm thankful for? You…and Nutella.
   • You’re so inspiring! You make me want to actually put my dirty laundry into the hamper instead of in a pile next to it.
   • You’re the “nothing” I’m referring to when people ask me what I’m thinking about.
   • If you were a song, you’d be the best track on the album.

Section 9 of 13:

Funny Quotes

1. 
   Share a quote from a comedian, celebrity, or your favorite comedy. Quoting your favorite funny saying is a quick and easy way to give anyone a chuckle. Here are a few fun and funny quotes from the people who make you laugh for a living:

   • “When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
   • “I’m not great at the advice—can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing, Friends
   • “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” – Maria Bamford
   • “There's nothing simpler than avoiding people you don't like. Avoiding one's friends, that's the real test.” – Dowager Countess Violet Crawley, Downton Abbey
   • “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.” – Ron Burgundy, Anchorman
   • “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton
   • “I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.” – Rodney Dangerfield
   • “I thought I had mono once for an entire year. It turns out I was just really bored.” – Wayne Campbell, Wayne's World
   • “She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.” – Harry Dunne, Dumb and Dumber
   • “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” – Mae West
   • “I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott, The Office
   • “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” – Tina Fey, Bossypants
   • “I’d love to stand here and talk with you... But I’m not going to.” – Phil Connors, Groundhog Day
   • “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” – Mark Twain
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Section 10 of 13:

Funny Golf Sayings

1. 
   Keep ’em laughing on the links with a funny golf-themed saying. Some people think golf is one of the most serious sports, but it’s still a game that people have fun playing. Plus, you play better when you’re relaxed, and laughter is a great way to relieve stress. Here’s a list of funny golf-themed sayings to help you get closer to scoring a hole in one:

   • Your drive is so far in the rough that you need Google Maps to find the ball.
   • Kiss my putt.
   • My drinking team has a golfing problem.
   • Keep calm and golf on.
   • This is my cup of tee.
   • I’m great at hitting the woods, but I’m having a hard time getting out of them.
   • There are 3 ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly, or start cheating.
   • May thy ball lie in green pastures and not still waters.
   • If frustration and humiliation are your aim, then golf is your game.
   • May the course be with you.
   • If the ball goes right, it’s a slice. If it goes left, it’s a hook. But if it goes straight, it’s a miracle.
   • It takes a lot of balls to golf like that.
   • I only golf on days that end in “Y.”
   • A bad day golfing is better than a good day at work.

Section 11 of 13:

Funny Sayings from Tombstones

1. 
   Share a funny saying from a real tombstone. Sometimes, the best way to deal with negative emotions or heavy subjects is to use humor to lighten the mood, recommends Muñoz. That includes death. And these people took advantage of the fact by putting something funny on their tombstones:

   • Here lies Ezekiel Aikle/ Age 102/ The good die young. – Ezekiel Aikle, East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia
   • I told you I was sick. – William H. Hahn Jr., Princeton Cemetery, Princeton, NJ
   • That’s all, folks – Mel Blanc, Hollywood Forever Cemetery, Los Angeles, California
   • Here lies the body of / Jonathan Blake / Stepped on the gas / Instead of the brake – Jonathan Blake, Uniontown Cemetery in Uniontown, PA
   • Let ‘er rip – Leslie Nielsen, Evergreen Cemetery, Fort Lauderdale, FL
   • If you’re reading this, you desperately need a hobby – Alan Dale Willcox, Key West Cemetery, Key West, Florida
   • ...There goes the neighborhood – Rodney Dangerfield, Pierce Brothers Westwood Village Memorial Park & Mortuary, Los Angeles, CA
   • Damn, it's dark down here. – Fran Thatcher, Prairie Mound Cemetery, Dane County, WI
   • Go away—I’m asleep – Joan Hackett, Hollywood Forever Cemetery, Los Angeles, CA
   • What a way to lose weight – Frank Carson, Milltown Cemetery, Belfast, United Kingdom
   • I was somebody. Who, is no business of yours. – Anonymous, Stowe, VT
   • OK… I gotta go now – Dee Dee Ramone, Hollywood Forever Cemetery, Los Angeles, CA
   • I’m a writer but then nobody’s perfect – Billy Wilder, Pierce Brothers Westwood Village Memorial Park & Mortuary, Los Angeles, CA
   • This ain’t bad once you get used to it – Murphy Andrew Dreher Jr., Star Hill Cemetery, Louisiana
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Section 12 of 13:

Funny Phrases to Put on T-shirts

1. 
   Wear your sense of humor on your shirt with a funny tee. When you put a funny saying on a T-shirt, you can make people laugh without even saying a word. It also sparks conversations and draws people with a similar sense of humor toward you. Have a new tee printed up with one of these funny phrases:

   • I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.
   • Sarcastic comment loading… please wait.
   • My brain says “crunches.” My stomach says, “cupcakes.”
   • Deja-poo: That feeling you get when you’ve done this crap before.
   • Hokey Pokey Rehab… It’s never too late to turn yourself around.
   • You read my shirt. That’s enough social interaction for one day.
   • Professional overthinker.
   • I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
   • No need to drive me crazy. I’m close enough to walk.
   • Call me an optimist, but I think we’re doomed.
   • I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.
   • I may be wrong, but it’s highly unlikely.
   • That’s a terrible idea… I’m in.
   • Life is a bowl of soup… and I’m a fork.

Section 13 of 13:

Delivering Funny Sayings

1. 1
   Wait for the right moment. Just throwing out a funny saying that has nothing to do with the situation might work, but it’s just as likely to drop like a lead balloon. Muñoz suggests you try to stay in the moment and react to what’s going on around you. Stay in the flow of the conversation, and wait for a break in the conversation to share a funny saying that fits the topic.

   • This can take practice, though, so you might not get a laugh at first. You’ll get better the more you do it.
   • Payne explains, “You just have to develop a little bit of a tough skin, and know that somebody not laughing at your jokes isn't a personal attack on you or your personality.”
   • He adds, “You start to get the confidence and… you'll get laughs eventually.
2. 2
   Use the element of surprise to get a laugh. People love being surprised with the perfect funny line. If you want your funny saying to land, defy the other person’s expectations. If they think you’re going to say something predictable, they’re more likely to laugh if you say something completely different. Some of the best ways to take advantage of the element of surprise in a funny way are:

   • Keep your funny saying short. The longer it goes on, the more time people have to figure out where you’re going… which can be annoying instead of funny.
   • Misdirect the other person. Starting to say something cliche and then twisting it at the end.
   • For example, famous wit Dorothy Parker once said, “A girl’s best friend is her mutter.” She keeps it short and defies expectations by saying “mutter” instead of “mother.”
3. 3
   Know your audience—and their sense of humor. The best way to get a laugh when you drop a funny saying is to make sure the other people share your sense of humor. You either have to know someone well enough to know what will make them laugh, or you have to pay attention to the types of things they do laugh at. Do they like clever barbs or subtle references? Or maybe fart jokes are more their speed. Figure it out and try to match it.

   • Even if they share your sense of humor, they may not laugh if the general mood is more serious or they can’t relate to what you’re saying.
   • When you do find someone who shares your sense of humor, making them laugh will be a lot easier.
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