What Is the Spaghetti and Waffle Theory on TikTok?

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Learn if this viral theory can help you understand your partner better

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and Elaine Heredia, BA

Last Updated: March 17, 2026 Fact Checked

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What is the theory?

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Origins of the Theory

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Problems With the Theory

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Should you believe it?

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Other Ways to Understand Your Partner Better

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TikTok is always coming up with new ways to navigate your relationship with your romantic partner. The latest trend is compare the differences in the way men and women think to waffles and spaghetti, respectively. For some, this analogy helps them understand their partner better. Baffled? Don't worry, all will become clear in a moment! Below, we explain the spaghetti and waffles theory and its origins, as well as potential problems with the theory and whether you should follow it.

What is the spaghetti and waffles theory?

The spaghetti and waffles theory suggests that the way men think and manage tasks is like the top of a waffle. They can sort their priorities into separate compartments and tackle one at a time. Meanwhile, it says that women think like a plate of spaghetti: their thoughts and priorities constantly run into each other.

Section 1 of 5:

Spaghetti and Waffles Theory, Explained

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This theory says that men's brains are like waffles and women's are like spaghetti. The viral spaghetti and waffles theory suggests that the way men think and manage tasks is like the surface of a waffle. A waffle has squares or "compartments" on the top and bottom. According to the theory, the majority of men compartmentalize different areas of their lives (i.e., work, intimacy, parenting, etc.) into boxes and focus on only one or two at a time. Meanwhile, the way women think and manage tasks is like spaghetti: all their thoughts, feelings, and problems overlap, run into each other, and "touch" each other at all times—like a pile of noodles on a plate.
- For example, a man might have a rough day at work and still be in a great mood when he comes home to his wife and kids. That's because he's able to compartmentalize these two parts of his day and not let them influence one another.
- A woman, on the other hand, might struggle really hard not to let her rough day affect her attitude. She's still poring over her bad thoughts and feelings from earlier in the day, letting them influence her present mood.
- This is just a theory, and it doesn't have to apply to men and women only! You can be a woman or a non-binary person and compartmentalize your thoughts and feelings like a waffle. You can also be a man or be non-binary and have all your thoughts and tasks run together like spaghetti.

Section 2 of 5:

Spaghetti and Waffles Theory Origins

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Men Are Like Waffles—Women Are Like Spaghetti is a Christian faith-based relationship advice book written by married couple Bill and Pam Farrel. It was published in 2001 and has been rereleased several times in new editions. Relationship experts like Gary Chapman, author of another famous relationship advice book, The 5 Love Languages, have given it positive reviews.
For example, this TikTok by @shawnmcbridespeaks74, which explains the theory, has over 20K views. Another popular example is this TikTok by @rabbiyyjacobson, which has over 124K views and offers the theory as a relationship tip. The trend seems to be to use the food analogy as a way to help men and women understand each other and get along better.

Section 3 of 5:

Problems with the Spaghetti and Waffles Theory

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For example, one negative stereotype about men is that they're only capable of thinking about one or two things at a time. This, in turn, implies that all men are stupid or insensitive. The spaghetti and waffles theory can also fuel the stereotype that all women are scatter-brained and overly emotional.
The spaghetti and waffles theory might be loosely based on a scientific study that found differences in how men and women process language. The study concluded that men use only one side of their brain, while women use both sides. But the number of people analyzed in the study was very small, and therefore it wasn't a good representation of the human race. This conclusion also didn't hold up well after more in-depth research.^{[1]
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Section 4 of 5:

Should you follow the spaghetti and waffles theory?

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The book on which this theory is based has allegedly helped thousands of couples improve their relationships. Now that the theory has gone viral on TikTok, many TikTok creators are chiming in, as well, saying that the theory transformed their marriages (this TikTok by @momoffmute is a great example). But like most relationship advice, it doesn't work for everyone. Think of it like a tool that may help you understand your partner better. If it doesn't describe how you or your partner thinks, that's okay!

Section 5 of 5:

Other Ways to Understand Your Partner Better

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Discover your love language. Your love language is the way you like to give and receive love in your relationships. There are 5 primary love languages: Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, and Quality Time. Most people relate to all of these, but there's usually one or two that rise above the rest. When you know how you and your partner prefer to experience love, it may be easier to understand and communicate with each other.^{[2]
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- For example, a person whose primary love language is Physical Touch might want to have sex as often as possible. It reassures them that their partner truly loves them. If their primary partner's love language is Quality Time, they're content simply spending time together to feel loved.
  - The couple must communicate their love languages so that they can compromise and satisfy both their needs.
- Find out what your love language is by taking our Love Language Quiz (then send it to your partner)!
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Talk to your partner to find out their thoughts, feelings, and intentions. Many couples make the mistake of assuming the other person feels or thinks a certain way. They may also assume that they can read their minds without needing to talk about it. This is a common trap that always leads to resentment and a lack of communication. Instead of assuming something about your partner based on their past words or actions or their tone of voice, talk to them! Give them the courtesy of trying to understand them before you rant to your friends and family about how insensitive they are.^{[3]
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- For example, let's say you drop vague hints to your partner that you want to go to a certain restaurant on your birthday. When they don't take you anywhere, you might conclude that they're inconsiderate and aren't actually in love with you. But if you actually talk to them, you might find out that they didn't catch your hints at all. Therefore, they assumed that you just wanted to stay home on your birthday.
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Know that you don't always have to agree. It's okay for couples to disagree from time to time. In fact, it's completely normal! Communication expert Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS, says, "It is not unusual for couples to disagree, bicker, or fight, but the key is finding solutions that foster healthy conversations." He also adds that avoiding communication about "touchy subjects" will only make you feel more at odds with each other.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Communication Expert

Expert Interview} Approach disagreements with a willingness to learn more about your partner and find a compromise. Don't avoid them completely!