What to Do If Your Husband Is Texting Another Woman: Expert Advice

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Communication therapist Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP explains how to talk to him about the texts

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA and Luke Smith, MFA

Last Updated: December 9, 2025 Fact Checked

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• Should you contact her?
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• What To Do
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• What to Say to the Other Woman
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• Signs of Cheating
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• Why do men text other women?
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• Is texting cheating?
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• Tracking Texts
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• Video

|Show more |Show less

Texting is one of those relationship gray areas. It can be cheating…but it might not be. If you discover your husband has been texting another woman, it may be tempting to contact her to try to clear things up and put a stop to it, but should you? We talked to relationship therapists and family counselors, as well as a private investigator, to answer your burning questions, including whether or not you should contact the other woman (the answer is usually no), how to talk to your husband, and if texting even counts as cheating in the first place.

Should you confront the woman your husband is texting?

Communication therapist Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP says you'd be better off talking to your husband directly instead of confronting the woman he's texting. It's possible the texting is completely innocent, but even if it's not, involving the other woman is unlikely to solve the problem.

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Section 1 of 7:

Is it a good idea to confront the other woman?

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   Most experts don’t recommend confronting the woman your husband is texting. Tenzer says that whether you should confront her “depends on your personality and what outcome you want. If you’re someone who thrives on confrontation or wants the drama of calling her out, then … you could go that route. [But] in all honesty, it rarely leads anywhere helpful, and you’ll probably just end up looking like the problem or the ‘crazy one.’”

   • Tenzer adds that “in most cases, the person you [should] address is the person you’re in the relationship with—not the person who has no commitment to you … She doesn’t owe you loyalty or transparency; he does. Your relationship, your boundaries, and your expectations are with him, not her.”
   • Marriage and family therapist Allen Wagner, MFT, MA, agrees that you should deal with your husband directly.
   • Keep in mind that if you do confront her, you might end up learning some details about her relationship with your husband that you didn’t really want to know, or you might get into a stressful argument that doesn’t actually resolve anything. Also, there’s a good chance the conversation won’t go the way you want it to. For instance, if you’re hoping for an apology from her, there’s no guarantee that you’ll get one.
   • If your husband is cheating, that’s on him. It’s not the other woman’s “fault,” and it’s usually best to get her out of the picture—and your mind—altogether, not get her even more tangled into things.

   Meet the wikiHow Experts

   Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago. She has over 18 years of clinical and educational experience.

   Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC, is the Executive Director of a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City that works with individuals, couples, and families to help them emerge stronger and more adaptable.

   Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, is a couples counselor and family therapist with more than ten years of experience who specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships.

   Allen Wagner, MFT, MA, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Los Angeles, California.

   Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri.
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   Text her calmly if you feel like it would be helpful to you. Everyone’s situation is different, so there’s no easy yes-or-no answer. It's very possible the texting is totally innocent, or that your husband doesn't realize how it's affecting you. Even if you do strongly suspect he's cheating, tt’s best to keep the conversation between you and your husband, but if you really think that talking to the woman your husband is texting would help put things in perspective for you—or that letting out your feelings to her would help you feel better—then contacting her may be the right thing to do. Remember, though: she’s probably not the villain you think she is. Most people don’t go out of their way to “trap” a married man.

   • If you do reach out, do so at a time when you’re calm and have had time to think things through. Don’t call or message her in the heat of the moment.
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Section 2 of 7:

What do I do when my husband is texting another woman?

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   Ask your husband directly what’s going on. Tenzer says you should talk to your husband if his texting makes you feel uncomfortable, insecure, or vulnerable, or if you feel like your trust is being compromised. “You deserve clarity, honesty, and emotional safety, and those come from a direct conversation with your partner, not a third party.”

   • Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC agrees that it’s totally reasonable to want to know what’s up. He advises that you say something like, “I saw your phone… Can you explain what this is?”
   • Say something like, “I’ve noticed you’re texting Melissa a lot lately. Can I ask about what’s going on there?”
   • Licensed clinical social worker Raffi Bilek, LCSQ-C says to avoid making accusations, which could put him on the defensive and shut down the conversation before you get any real answers.
   • Even if you know for sure that the texts are inappropriate, asking him what’s up is a good way to start the conversation. It opens a dialogue, which is key if you truly want to work through this.
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   Tell him how you feel and what it looks like to you. “Share what you’re noticing, how it makes you feel, and what you need to feel safe and respected in the relationship,” advises Tenzer. Bilek agrees and emphasizes using “I” language to express your thoughts and emotions, which will be less likely to make your husband feel attacked. This means talking in first person and using phrases like “I feel…when you…”

   • For instance, you could say, “I feel really worried when I see you texting your friend so often,” or “I’m just feeling a little insecure about our marriage lately. I feel like it’s harder for us to connect with each other.”
   • If you know for sure that he’s cheating on you and want to handle it, say something like, “I feel extremely hurt and betrayed right now. It would really help me if we could sit down and discuss this.”
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   Resist the temptation to snoop. Bilek stresses the importance of transparency. Part of being transparent is respecting your husband’s privacy, even when it’s hard, which helps build trust between you. If you suspect your husband is cheating on you over text, you might be tempted to check his phone or even install a spy app so you can watch everything he’s doing. But reading through someone’s texts without permission is a pretty serious violation of their privacy, and it could do major damage to your marriage, especially if it turns out he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

   • If it would help, feel free to ask to see the conversations, but keep in mind that just because he says no doesn’t make him automatically guilty. There might be other reasons for him to preserve his privacy.
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   Listen patiently to what he has to say. As tempting as it may be to interrupt your husband, shout at him, or even walk away from him while he’s talking, do your best to listen closely and hear him out. This will make it easier for him to open up and tell you the truth about what’s going on.

   • You can even reassure him that you’re willing to listen calmly to whatever he has to say. Say something like, “I know it’s hard to talk about this, but please tell me the truth. I’m listening.”
   • Keep in mind that cheating typically signifies deeper problems. It may be his fault, but it’s important not to point fingers. If it is indeed infidelity, then remember that it’s both of you versus the problem—not you versus him.
   • Tenzer advises paying attention to your husband’s reaction. She says that if your relationship is healthy, he’ll respond with compassion, offer an explanation, and agree to change. In an unhealthy relationship, he may react combatively, may deny the texts, or might even blame you. “Gaslighting can be very manipulative,” she adds.
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   Discuss your expectations moving forward. Even if he wasn’t cheating, you might decide to communicate more about who you’re both talking to. And if he was cheating, there’s no single right answer to what you should do if you catch your husband cheating. Depending on how you’re feeling—and how he behaves—you may decide to end the marriage or try to repair things. It may take some time and lots of discussion between the two of you to figure things out. That’s normal. What’s important is that you don’t rush things or make rash decisions.

   • If you’re interested in staying together, it’s a good idea to talk to a counselor, Bilek says. They can help you figure out the underlying reasons for your husband’s behavior, offer strategies for preventing a future affair, and save your marriage.
   • Tenzer says, “If your husband asks her to stop and she continues or if [the texting] crosses into harassment, obsession, or boundary violations, then … confronting her or involving outside support might become appropriate.”
   • Reader Poll: We asked 1443 wikiHow readers how they would respond if they discovered their partner was cheating, and 61% of them said end the relationship immediately. [Take Poll] However, it’s up to you to decide what’s best for you and your relationship.
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Section 3 of 7:

What should I say to the other woman?

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   Decide on what you want from the conversation. Remember that reaching out to her isn’t recommended. That said, if you decide it’s best, then it’s a good idea to set some goals for yourself before you start a difficult conversation. Sit down and write out a list of things you want to say, and try to determine what you want the outcome of the conversation to be.

   • For instance, do you want to ask her to stop contacting your husband? Are you trying to get information from her about their relationship? Or do you just want to vent to her about how you feel?
   • You might find it therapeutic just to write out your thoughts and feelings. In fact, once you’ve done that, you may no longer feel the need to actually confront her. You could always write her a message, then destroy it without sending it to her.
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   Avoid the temptation to lash out. You might feel like calling her names, making accusations, or even threatening her. However, lashing out won’t solve anything, and you’ll probably end up feeling worse as well as looking like “the bad guy.” Instead, focus on expressing your feelings in a calm, civil way. If you feel yourself getting heated, stop and take some deep breaths, repeat a mantra to yourself (like “Stay strong,” or “Be calm”), or step away for a moment to calm down.

   • For example, you might say something like, “I feel extremely hurt and angry about what’s been going on between you and my husband. I’d like to ask that you stop contacting him.”
   • Don’t grill her about the details of what’s happened between her and your husband, or ask any other questions you may not actually want the answers to.
   • If you send her a text or email, read it over before you send it. Edit out anything that seems too harsh or accusatory. You can even sleep on it, then look at it again the next morning with fresh eyes.
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Section 4 of 7:

Signs He Might Be Cheating

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   He acts aloof and secretive, or you catch him in a lie. Private investigator Kenneth Childs says to take note if he suddenly seems secretive, like if he seems oddly protective of his phone. It doesn’t mean he’s cheating, but something is probably up, and it’s worth asking about. If you catch him in a lie, though—like he said he was somewhere he wasn’t, and you know this for sure—then that’s a huge red flag.

   • Remember that he has a right to privacy, as well. He might be acting secretive for other reasons, like to surprise you or to shield you from something.
   • He might also avoid talking about certain people, especially the person you suspect he’s cheating with.
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   Your intimacy suddenly changes. If he’s cheating with someone, you’ll probably notice a vibe shift between you. He may not act as affectionate, or you may have less sexual activity. You might also feel less connected or communicative. These aren’t guaranteed signs of cheating, but they are a sign that something is up, and it’s worth having a conversation about.

   • Or, his appearance might suddenly and dramatically change, or he might make major lifestyle changes with no explanation.
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   He minimizes your feelings or tries to compartmentalize you. Relationship coach Michelle Jacoby warns of compartmentalizing, which is when he tries to keep you separate from certain aspects of his life, like work or his friend groups. It’s not a crime, but it is something to pay attention to. Also, he might downplay your own feelings or minimize them, telling you you’re blowing things out of proportion or saying you’re unreliable and can’t trust yourself.

   • He might say things like, “Lighten up, I was just joking around with her!” or, “Oh come on, it wasn’t anything serious."
   • Or, he might start acting defensive—e.g., saying things like, “What, so you need to know about everything I’m saying to my friends now?”
   • He might be gaslighting you, e.g., by denying what happened—even if you saw the evidence yourself.
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Section 5 of 7:

Why might a married man text another woman?

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   Often it’s for innocent reasons. Wagner tells us that it might just be for work, or professional reasons. For instance, it’s possible that he’s just chatting with a friend or coworker, and there’s nothing sexual or romantic about it. For this reason, it’s important not to make any assumptions without knowing the facts.

   • Remember that your husband is allowed to have a social life that doesn’t necessarily involve you, and the fact that he’s texting someone who’s a stranger to you doesn’t mean he’s hiding anything.
   • All the same, it’s fair game to ask him who he’s talking to and why, but it’s not fair to demand answers or try to restrict his own social freedom.
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   It could reflect an underlying problem in the relationship. Cheating is a “difficult and emotional” topic, says Bilek. It’s often not as simple as you might think. People cheat for a lot of reasons, and they’re usually complicated. If your husband is actually texting inappropriately with another woman, it could be for any one, or a combination of, the following reasons:

   • He feels a lack of connection, love, or balance in the marriage.
   • He’s afraid of commitment, so he does things to self-sabotage his relationships (consciously or otherwise).
   • He suffers from low self-esteem or insecurity, and he’s hoping that texting another woman will help him feel better about himself.
   • He has issues with sexual addiction.
   • The opportunity presented itself, and he has poor impulse control.
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Section 6 of 7:

Is texting cheating in a marriage?

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   Texting can count as cheating if it’s secretive and there's an emotional connection. Licensed professional counselor Dr. Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC, defines cheating as “when there is an element of secrecy and emotional connection…with another person.” Texting makes it easy to communicate with other people quickly and privately, anytime and anywhere. While it can be perfectly innocent, it’s also easy to for it to cross the line and become inappropriate. Texting can become cheating if a married person is using it to have sexual or romantic conversations with other people, without the knowledge or consent of their spouse.
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   Whether texting counts as cheating depends on your personal relationship rules. Identifying cheating in a marriage can be tricky, because not everyone defines it the same way. Bilek says that “different people have different boundaries.” Your husband might consider sending a flirtatious text to be no big deal, while you might see it as crossing the line. To avoid misunderstandings and serious strife in your marriage, sit down and talk to him about what boundaries and expectations you’d both like to set for each other.

   • For example, you might say something like, “I’m not comfortable with you sending flirty texts to other women, even if it never progresses any further than that. I know you don’t consider that to be ‘real’ cheating, but it really bothers me.”
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Section 7 of 7:

Should I track my cheating husband’s texts?

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   Avoid spying on your husband, which will make the situation worse. Wagner warns us that spying won’t accomplish anything, and instead it’ll just erode the trust between you and your husband. Before you resort to tracking your husband’s texts, try communicating with him about what’s going on. Otherwise, you could seriously undermine your relationship by introducing a lot of new trust issues into the mix.

   • In some cases—for instance, if you’re afraid that he’s hiding something dangerous or illegal from you—then tracking your husband’s texts might be a reasonable approach. Otherwise, try to use it only as a last resort.
   

   Shirley P. Glass, Infidelity Specialist

   The partner who had the affair must understand why trust and openness are so critical, not just for the marriage but also for the betrayed partner's self-esteem and sanity. The straying partner should provide thoughtful, honest answers to questions, being patient when necessary and responding sensitively to feelings of hurt, anger, obsession, and shame.

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