How to Give a Spanking

Author Info

Last Updated: October 28, 2025 References

Spanking is a traditional parental disciplinary method that involves a parent striking their child on the backside one or multiple times. It was a common disciplinary method in the West until the late 20th century before starting to be replaced, but it's still a much-debated topic to this day. Most child psychologists and child development experts do not recommend spanking as a discipline method for children and often openly discourage it, sometimes considering it child abuse. In some cultures, though, spanking is thought to be an effective discipline measure. Ultimately, the decision of whether to use spanking or not is made by the child's parents, within the norms and laws of their local regions.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Disciplining Non-violently

Download Article

1
Start small. Don't immediately hit your child if you see them doing something you dislike. Talk to them first, and try a non-violent method of discipline. If you decide to spank a child, it should only be as a last resort, after all other methods have failed.
- Conditional spanking (a mild spanking after a 2-to-6-year-old child has defied a less extreme form of discipline) is less risky than spanking as a first resort, according to some studies.^{[1]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  
  Go to source}
2
Ask the child calmly why they did what they did. The child may not have realized that what they did was wrong, or maybe you misunderstood what happened. Talking can help clarify the situation: either helping the child realize why their decision was a bad one or helping you realize that your child didn't misbehave after all.
- If you're too upset to be calm, say "I'm upset, I need a break to calm down." Walk out of the room and take some deep breaths. Then come back.
Advertisement
3
Talk to the child about the consequences of their actions. Older children can self-reflect and realize why something is wrong. Ask them how they think other people feel about what they did, or what their actions caused. You can use non-violent communication and "I" phrasing for scripts like "When you ____, I feel ____." For example:
- "How do you think your sister will feel about you breaking her toy?"
- "When I didn't see you in the store, I was scared. I need you to stay close by so I know you're safe and not lost."
- "How do you think Dad felt when he had to clean mud out of the bathtub?"
4
Consider whether the child needs to be punished at all. Not every learning opportunity needs to involve punishment.
- For example, if your child resolves to do things differently after a conversation, then there's no need to punish them; they learned on their own.
- Sometimes, it's you who needs the learning opportunity. Perhaps you expected too much of your child, or put them in a stressful situation that they weren't able to handle calmly. Kids don't always have the emotional tools to handle stress in a mature way. Try letting it go this time, and keeping your child's limits closer in mind next time.
5
Look at non-physical consequences. Firmly and patiently tell them what needs to happen. Spanking should never be a first resort, and there are other ways to handle misbehavior.^{[2]
X
Research source}^{[3]
X
Research source}^{[4]
X
Research source}^{[5]
X
Research source}
- Firmly say no. Give a short, clear response to them in a stern voice. For example, "We do not throw snowballs at people's faces."
- Logical consequences. Tell the child to clean up a mess they made, fix something they broke, or pay for a broken thing they can't fix. This teaches them to fix their own mistakes. (If they are too young to clean or pay for it, you can do it together with them.)
- Give a choice. Let the child choose between two or three options that you are okay with. For example, if your child is resisting getting dressed, say "You can put on your shirt first or your pants first."
- Making up. Have the child make amends if they wronged someone. For example, if your son said something mean to his sister, ask him how he could make it up to her by doing something nice for her. Offer suggestions if your child is struggling to think of something (e.g. "you could make her a card").
- Time outs. A time-out should last roughly 1 minute for each year of age (e.g. 2-minute time outs for a 2-year-old).
- Removal of privileges. For example, if your child keeps pushing people while playing, take the toy away for now and tell them why.
- Natural consequences. For example, if your child did not put their team uniform in the laundry hamper and is not ready for the game as a result, that is a natural consequence.
6
Give yourself a time-out if you get angry with your child. Parenting is hard, and it's normal to get frustrated or mad sometimes. If you feel like you're going to explode, step out of the room to calm down. You can discipline your child once you are level-headed.
- Tell your child, "I am so mad, I don't know what to do! I am going to take a break to deal with my emotions."
7
Help a child who is struggling to do what you ask. Sometimes, if a child isn't following a rule often, it's because they're having a hard time (not because they want to be disobedient). Ask "Why is it hard for you to ____?" and listen to them explain why they struggle to follow the rule. Then, work together as a team to help them work on doing what they need to do.
- If your child struggles with cleaning their room, it might help if you do it with them.
8
Talk to a child about how to behave better next time. Sometimes, kids misbehave because they just don't know better. Try asking the child "What would be a better way to handle that?" or suggesting some ways that they could handle a similar situation next time. Talking it out may help the child understand what to do instead in the future.
- If the child agrees to do things better next time, then you may not need to punish them at all. Or, implement some reasonable logical consequences, like having them clean up their mess or apologize to someone they treated unfairly. What matters is that they learn, and punishment often isn't necessary for learning.
9
Praise the child for good behavior. Let them know that you appreciate it when they behave well and help them feel good about it. This motivates them to do it more often. Here are some examples of good praise:
- "I saw you being so patient waiting for your turn on the swings! You did a really good job."
- "I noticed you playing so nicely with your brother. I saw that you aren't hitting him anymore because you know better now. You are growing up into such a kind person."
- "Thank you for putting on your shoes so quickly! Now we will have even more time at the park because you are ready early."
10
Be a good role model. Your child learns how to behave by watching you. Act the way you want your child to act, even if you aren't sure that your child is paying attention. Over time, your child will pick up on your habits.
- Avoid hypocrisy. For example, if you spank your child, but then you tell your child that hitting is wrong, your child may be skeptical or confused.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Preparing to Spank

Download Article

1
Consider spanking only if you have tried all other options. Spanking should always be a last resort, after issuing non-physical punishments like timeouts, grounding or denial of privileges. Before you announce the spanking, be 100% positive that you want to spank your child and make sure your spouse is on board.
- Spanking, even by parents, is illegal in many countries. Even if it's legal in your country, your city/municipality or region may have banned it or restricted it.
- Recognize that many people consider spanking to be abusive, especially if you hit hard. Never hit hard, use a tool, or leave bruises on a child. Child protective services may be called if people are concerned about you hitting your child, or if your child tells somebody.
- Read up on alternatives to spanking, which are always preferable: ^{[6]
  X
  Research source}
- Don't spank a child with learning, intellectual or developmental disabilities such as autism or ADHD. This can permanently scar them (and it can scar any child, for that matter), especially if they couldn't control their behavior.^{[7]
  X
  Research source}
2
Recognize the contemporary research on the consequences of spanking. The overwhelming majority of modern long-term studies have shown that spanking worsens behavior instead of improving it. After a spanking, children can often feel rejected, mistrusted, resentful, and unloved. Instead of learning not to misbehave, they learn not to get caught while doing it and/or lie about it. Children who are spanked, or subjected to other forms of corporal punishment, are more likely to:^{[8]
X
Research source}^{[9]
X
Trustworthy Source

American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists

Go to source}^{[10]
X
Research source}^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Have less gray matter in the brain.
- Develop or worsen cognitive disabilities.
- Develop mental health problems like anxiety and depression.
- Abuse drugs or alcohol.
- Distrust/resent other people.
- Abuse their spouses and/or children.
- Engage in criminal behavior as they age (and even as children in extreme cases).
- Die young.
Tip: If this isn't what you want for your child's future, it's probably best to reconsider spanking. The steps in the "Disciplining Nonviolently" section can help you choose a more effective way to change your child's behavior, such as natural consequences. For more detailed and situation-specific advice, don't be afraid to ask for help from a child psychologist or therapist, they usually give the best advice. If you're still dead-set on spanking, keep scrolling.
3
Decide on a private place where the spanking will be administered. Spanking in front of others, especially friends or siblings, can be intensely embarrassing for your child. This can generate additional feelings of resentment that are counterproductive to your child learning better behavior. Privacy is especially important if you opt to spank your child bare-bottomed.
- Spanking is already harsh. You don't want to worsen it by humiliating your child in front of people.
4
Warn your child that the consequence of their actions will be a spanking. The child may get upset, angry, resentful, nervous, or even panicked. You should be understanding of these reactions, even if you are firm about the consequence.
- Crying is a perfectly natural reaction, before, during and after the spanking, and the child should never be punished for that.
- Try giving one last warning, like "If you do not let go of her hair by the time I count to zero, then you will get a spanking." This may startle a child into behaving.
- If this is your child's first spanking, make sure to explain the concept of spanking in an age-appropriate way.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Delivering the Spanking

Download Article

1
Spank only and exclusively with an open and empty hand, never use a tool. Using anything other than an open hand can be dangerous, and should be avoided. Hitting a child with a belt or an extension cord can cause severe bruising, painful welts, and even lacerations (in severe cases).^{[12]
X
Research source}
- If you do not think you can control yourself, then leave the room and do not give the spanking.
These can hurt your child and be dangerous for your own hands as well. You don't want anything that will obstruct the spanking or potentially hurt/injure your child. Also, consider taking out any items in your pockets that may make it uncomfortable for your child to lie across your lap, and the same goes for your child.
3
Bend your child over your knee. Sit down on a chair or a couch. Bend the child over your lap with their stomach facing down. Make sure that their body has enough support and that they are not strained in any way. Pull down the child's pants and/or underwear, depending on whether you choose to spank them partially clothed or bare-bottomed. Then, tell your child to not get up. Let them tell you when they are ready.
- Historically, many parents and caregivers have preferred spanking their children bare-bottomed. Common reasons stated are perceived increased effectiveness, any redness on the skin being a cue for when to cease, as well as the theory that the act of baring the bottom and direct skin-to-skin contact make the spanking more intimate, personal and deliberate.
- Other parents may find bare bottom spankings to be too harsh and will keep the child clothed during the spanking, mainly to prevent humiliation from undressing and to soften the impact of the strikes. While both are significant advantages, the softening of the impact may prompt the parent to strike harder than intended to make sure the spanking is felt, and may cause injury if not careful. Take the child's concerns and type of clothing (along with local laws and norms) into consideration before making any final decision.
Clothed spanking tips: make sure not to use excessive force and to mind your aim. Do not use implements for the sake of spanking harder.

Bare bottom spanking tips: be sure to minimize undressing for minimal humiliation: for regular pants or shorts, tuck them and the underwear just below the buttocks instead of all the way down. For girls wearing skirts or dresses, lift the garment enough to access the bottom before pulling the panties down. For diapered toddlers, take the diaper off completely after pulling the pants down, as leaving it hanging above the buttocks may obstruct the spanking. Note: For practical diaper removal, it's advisable to bare a toddler's bottom before getting them over your lap, rather than afterwards.

Extra tip: when dealing with diapered toddlers, it's advisable to remove their diaper for the spanking regardless if it's gonna occur over clothing or the bare bottom. The reason being is that the heavy cushioning provided by diapers may make the spanking ineffective or harmful, although this may depend on many factors.
4
Relax your hand and all your limbs, with one firm hand on their back and one above or near their bottom. Make sure your child isn't squirming and their legs are locked.
- Do not talk during the spanking. Save any conversation for after the spanking is done—just get it over with.
- Position che child so that their bottom kind of protrudes upwards. This makes the child's bottom rounder and gives you a better idea on where to strike.
- If the child is a toddler and/or is squirming heavily, put your whole non-spanking arm on their back and hold tighter, almost mimicking a mini-embrace.
Tip: If you're right handed, place the child with their bottom on your right side, switching sides if you're left-handed.
5
Begin the spanking. Give repeated strikes to the child's bottom with your open hand. Strike gently, never hit hard. It doesn't take a lot of force to successfully discipline your child, and hitting too hard can cause injury or trauma. Instead, try and make the spanking just mildly uncomfortable.
- Don't spank while angry: anger can make you hit too hard and increase your chance of causing injury or trauma to the child. Taking a deep breath before beginning the spanking can help.
- To avoid injury to your child, you should keep a safe distance from the genital area, the coccyx (tailbone) and the kidneys of the child, instead aim for the more fleshy area of the buttocks.
- Keep the duration of the spanking to a minimum. Generally, under a minute is sufficient, though this may vary depending on the child's age, the specific offence and distress thereshold.
- The spanking should be mildly uncomfortable (sting) but not too painful, too distressing or damaging.
  - For a clothed spanking, use the child's responses as auditory cues to know if you're hitting too hard: crying is normal, but severe distress is not.
  - For a bare bottom spanking, the child's skin provides a direct visual cue: while it's natural for the skin to redden during a spanking, that redness should be mild and should fade quickly.
- Once the spanking is over, you can help your child get down from your lap and/or get redressed.
  - If the child's crying outpaces the spanking, let them lay on your lap a bit more until all tears subside. Don't prolong the spanking as a penalty for crying.
6
Affirm your child. Tell them that you will always love them, even when they make bad choices. Emphasize that you think they are a good person who just made a bad decision. Never follow up a spanking with any other kind of punishment - after the spanking should come immediate forgiveness.
- After a spanking, the child may think that they are a bad person, or that you don't love them. These misconceptions can lead to even worse behavior later on.^{[13]
  X
  Research source}
- Don't force the child to receive affection after a spanking if they don't want to. Research shows that being affectionate towards a child after spanking them can actually worsen their anxiety, not decrease it.^{[14]
  X
  Research source} The child might feel confused and think that the parent is unpredictable. If they want to run to their room and hide after a spanking, let them.^{[15]
  X
  Research source}^{[16]
  X
  Research source}
- Observe your child's behavior closely for a few days after the spanking. Find out if it had the intended effect, and if not, spanking might not be the most effective way to discipline your child. And even then, you may not want to use it frequently.

Community Q&A

Search

Add New Question

Question

What if my child asks for a spanking for no reason?

Ketutar Jensen

Community Answer

I would question if there really is "no reason." Most likely the child feels like a punishment is necessary, and you need to find out why. Another option is that the child finds spanking somehow enjoyable, and in that case you need to know why. This may be an indication of abuse, or perhaps the child just needs physical closeness, a hug, or some time to sit in your lap and read a book together.

Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
Thank you for your feedback.
If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
Yes No

Not Helpful 78 Helpful 438
Question

I want to know if it's appropriate for my mother to scream at me and ask if I want more during a spanking.

Luna Rose

Top Answerer

No, such behavior is not appropriate. While views on physical discipline vary, it should never be administered in anger or accompanied by screaming, as these actions can constitute emotional abuse. If you are experiencing this, please consider reaching out to a trusted adult, such as a teacher, clergy member, or a friend's parent, for support.

Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
Thank you for your feedback.
If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
Yes No

Not Helpful 67 Helpful 325
Question

My mom says she doesn't understand why spanking can be abusive. What should I do?

Community Answer

Do some online research and find some reputable sources that explain when and how spanking can become abusive. (A general rule of thumb is that if a spanking leaves any visible marks besides some temporary redness, it's abuse.) Show these resources to your mom and explain why they're reputable, like if they came from a nationally renowned medical organization.

Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
Thank you for your feedback.
If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
Yes No

Not Helpful 46 Helpful 179

See more answers

Ask a Question

200 characters left

Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.

Submit

Tips

Don't spank too often. If you spank your child all the time most likely they will be used to it and their behavior might get worse, and this can be considered abuse in the modern day. Try and restrict spanking only for the more serious stuff.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
Do not spank children younger than 2 years of age. Once a child is old enough to use reason and understand consequences, you should always try non-violent methods and/or reason with them before resorting to spanking, which must be phased out by the age of 5-6, at most 11-12.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
Avoid changing punishments based on gender. For example, if you are willing to reason with a girl who misbehaves, but resort to spanking immediately when a boy misbehaves, this is unfair. It can worsen any resentment the boy already feels. Instead, try to discipline children equally.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

Show More Tips

Tips from our Readers

The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

Spanking should be a last resort. Never do it too often, as your child may consider it to be okay to hurt other people if they do wrong.

Submit a Tip

All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published

Name

Please provide your name and last initial

Submit

Thanks for submitting a tip for review!

Warnings

Never spank a child while angry.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
Spanking, especially if on a teenager or on the bare bottom, can be considered abuse and/or molestation by many people. In some countries, such as Canada, spanking a child on the bare bottom is explicitly illegal.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
Be aware that if you choose to spank in public, you may be confronted by people who oppose what you are doing, even if it is technically legal. This is especially true in areas where attitudes toward spanking are hostile.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
Never spank a child anywhere other than the buttocks, especially the genitals, face or the torso.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
If the child has an infection or inflammation on their bottom like a diaper rash, refrain from spanking them.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
Never spank a child under the influence of alcohol.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
Don't make your child count the spanks, as it adds an unnecessary level of humiliation.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
Don't spank children if you are not their parent, unless their parents give you their permission.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
Obey all laws that restrict or ban corporal punishment. If you don't, you will potentially face harsh legal consequences.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
If the school of your child uses corporal punishment, and your child gets a spanking at school, don't spank the child again at home. Many parents do that, but it is an unfair double punishment.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
Never spank in any type of moving vehicle, especially public transport.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
Don't give any kind of additional punishments like grounding or timeout; a spanking is enough.

Thanks
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0