What to Do When You’re Being Ignored by Someone You Love

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Licensed clinical psychologist Evan Parks, PsyD, shows us how to work through the silent treatment

Co-authored by Evan Parks, PsyD and Luke Smith, MFA

Last Updated: November 26, 2025 Fact Checked

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• What to Do
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• Why are they ignoring me?
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• Effects of Being Ignored
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• Signs of Being Ignored
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• Is the silent treatment abuse?
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• Video

|Show more |Show less

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Getting the cold shoulder from someone never feels good, especially when it’s someone you love. Usually, if someone is giving you the silent treatment, it's because they feel hurt or upset. We talked to licensed clinical psychologists and relationship coaches to help you talk through it, understand why it’s happening, how it hurts you, and how to spot the signs it’s happening in the first place.

Responding to the Silent Treatment

Licensed clinical psychologist Evan Parks, PsyD, says to “avoid game playing” when someone starts to ignore you. Instead, ask them directly what the problem is and tell them you want to get through this together. Listen patiently to their problem, and work together to find a way forward and enhance your communication.

Steps

Section 1 of 5:

What to Do When Someone Ignores You

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   Give it a little time to play out. “There's a difference between being ignored and feeling ignored,” says relationship psychologist Jessica January Behr, PsyD. It might just be that the person is busy or that something else is on their mind, not that they’re purposefully ignoring you. If you can, before you approach them, give them some time and see if anything changes. Wait a couple of days or a week, and check out the list of signs you’re being ignored below to see if that’s the case.

   • If you’re very close to them, you don’t need to wait so long. 1-2 days is long enough. If you’re not super close, a week may be more comfortable.
   • If you’re certain they’re ignoring you, feel free to address it right away. Making your own feelings heard isn’t a crime!

   Meet the wikiHow Experts

   Jessica January Behr, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder and director of Behr Psychology. Dr. Behr treats those experiencing anxiety, stress, relationship problems, and depression.

   Mark Rosenfeld is a dating and relationship coach based in Norman Park, Australia. He founded his coaching business, Make Him Yours, in 2015.

   Lena Dicken, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over 8 years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties.

   Evan Parks, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and an adjunct assistant professor at the Michigan State University College of Human Medicine.
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   Mention that you’ve noticed something shift between you. Dating and relationship coach Mark Rosenfeld suggests that you “share how their actions made you feel when the moment is appropriate, but ask permission first.” Don’t wait for them to come to you, because they might not. If you’re being ignored, try reaching out to see if they respond. You could send them a text, call them on the phone, or even approach them in person.

   • Say something like, “Hey, I noticed there’s some space between us lately, and I was wondering if we could talk about it.”
   • If someone is planning to give you the silent treatment for a while, they might not respond to texts or calls right away. Give it a little bit of time to see if they respond.
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   Reach out one more time if you don’t hear back. They might have decided to ignore you for a while, and that’s their choice, even if it hurts. You can’t force them to talk to you. If you reach out to your loved one and you don’t hear back within a few days, send them a text or try them on the phone again and leave a voicemail. After that, though, it’s time to wait until they reach out to you again. If they’re ignoring you in person, give them some space for a while. They may come back on their own.

   • Be patient and understanding. Say, “Hey, I haven’t heard back from you and I’m a little worried. You can always talk to me, no matter what, and say how you feel.”
   • Relationship psychologist Lena Dicken, Psy.D, suggests saying, "I've tried reaching out a couple of times, maybe you're going through something that you're not comfortable sharing with me, or maybe you're just not up for connecting with me right now. I just want to let you know that I'm here. And I hope we can connect in the future."
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   Give them space until they’re ready to talk. “I’m a big fan of kindness whenever possible,” Dr. Dicken says. Sometimes, that means letting them make their own choices about their relationships, including yours. Forcing them to talk to you might just make them avoid you more. If they refuse to talk to you, keep giving them space while keeping the door open for a reunion. They may decide to come back in time.

   • If you have important things to tell them in the meantime, like schedules or emergencies, don’t hesitate to tell them in person or reach out by text, and make sure they know it’s urgent so they don’t ignore it.
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   Listen patiently to what they have to say once they’re ready to talk. Dr. Parks says to wait for their explanation. When they’re ready to talk, aim to understand, not to have a fight: “Avoid game-playing.” Ask them why they’ve been giving you the silent treatment, then try to let them talk uninterrupted. Letting them speak doesn’t have to mean you agree with what they’re saying, but it will lead to a more productive conversation in the long run.

   • Start the conversation by saying something like, “I feel like you’ve been intentionally avoiding me. Could you tell me what’s going on?”
   • Make sure they know that you want to fix things rather than start a fight. Say, “I just want to know how to fix this, if that’s possible.”
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   Acknowledge and validate what they’re feeling. “Avoid blame and criticism for how you feel,” Dr. Parks urges us. People usually ignore others when they’re feeling hurt. If you two got into a fight or you did something unintentionally that hurt their feelings, let them know that you understand. Validate their feelings so they recognize that you’re open to talking.

   • Try something like, “I understand that not inviting you to the party was wrong, and I can see why it made you upset.”
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   Share how you’re feeling when it feels right. Making up is a two-way street, and your own feelings deserve to be shared, too. “Share how their actions have made you feel,” Rosenfeld encourages. Gently and kindly let them know what the silent treatment felt like. It’s your turn to express your feelings and let them know how hurt you were when they ignored you. You don’t need to exaggerate or try to make them feel guilty, but you should be real with how upset you were about it.

   • For example, “When I realized you were ignoring me, it made me feel awful. I felt like I was losing my best friend, and I didn’t even know why.”
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   Make a plan for what to do next time this problem happens. Relationship coach Amber Rosenberg, PCC, says that this is where boundaries help a relationship. Boundaries aren’t just “Don’t do this or that,” they’re also a guide for what to do when a sticky situation arises. For example, you might agree to commit to more transparent communication, or agree to say something as soon as one of you feels uncomfortable.

   • If the whole thing was a misunderstanding, you might agree that you can both just check in on each other when things feel odd, like, “Hey, is there something going on?”
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   Focus on yourself if they still won’t talk to you. Dr. Behr reminds us that we can only control our own actions, and to question if the situation is healthy if the other person isn’t making an effort to fix things. Your loved one might continue to ignore you, or they might do it again in the future. If that happens, focus on yourself and your own actions to stop ruminating on the situation. Do what you can, then keep living your own life, and don’t let their actions derail you.

   • If it hurts too much and no progress is made, you might consider moving on from the relationship, especially if this is a pattern or something that keeps happening.
   • If you are constantly walking on eggshells to avoid being ignored by your loved one, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.
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    Talk to a mental health professional if you need to. Being ignored can be tough. If your loved one ignores you a lot and it’s taking a toll on you, seeing a counselor or therapist may help. Reach out to learn more about communication skills and how you and your loved one can be clearer with each other about your needs.

    • If you often get ignored by your romantic partner, a couple’s counselor might be your best bet.
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Section 2 of 5:

Why are they ignoring me?

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1. 
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   They could be overwhelmed or distracted by something else. Dr. Dicken reminds us that they might just be going through something that has nothing to do with you. It still doesn’t feel great to be ignored, but it’s important to remember that they might have a lot on their plate. We all get busy or overwhelmed sometimes, and you’re probably not the most social person when that happens to you.

   • Let them know you’re there for them, but don’t pressure them. Say, “Hey, it’s been a minute since we talked. I’m here when you’re ready!”
   • Or, ask, “Do you need some space?”
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   You might have done something to hurt or offend them. Dr. Behr acknowledges that sometimes, it might actually be something you did. You might not have meant it, but that doesn’t mean the other person isn’t hurt. It could be something you said to them or something they overheard, or maybe something you did frustrated them, and they needed some space and time alone to gather their thoughts.

   • This is why it’s important not to push them too much. In time, they might figure things out and come tell you what’s wrong. In the meantime, make yourself available and be understanding.
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   They might have trouble communicating or be afraid to. Dr. Dicken says that they might just “not be ready to talk about something.” Maybe they’re afraid to speak up or express themselves, or they don’t know how to say what’s on their mind. They might be afraid of making you angry or hurting you. Or, they just might not be aware that communication is often the best answer to problems, and they’re choosing other coping methods instead.

   • Staying patient, kind, and generous is necessary. Let them know they can say anything, and follow through on that. If they do say something that makes you angry, stay calm so that they know it’s okay and that they don’t have to hide it.
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   It might just be a misunderstanding. According to Dr. Behr, there’s always a chance it’s just a miscommunication. Maybe they got the wrong vibe from something you said or did, or maybe they just forgot to text you when they said they would. These things happen all the time, and that’s why it’s vital to communicate often, honestly, and openly.

   • Communication is almost never perfect, and that’s okay! What matters is that you keep communicating, so that if something goes wrong, it can be smoothed over.
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Section 3 of 5:

Negative Effects of Being Ignored

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1. 
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   Being ignored stresses and damages the relationship. Dr. Behr says that when it becomes a pattern, being ignored spells trouble for a relationship. It represents larger problems, like a lack of trust or intimacy. And by ignoring each other, people let the relationship erode rather than strengthening it by talking things through and facing their problems.
   EXPERT TIP

   

   Evan Parks, PsyD

   Licensed Clinical Psychologist

   Dr. Evan Parks is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and an Adjunct Assistant Professor at The Michigan State University College of Human Medicine. With over 25 years of experience, he specializes in helping people manage chronic pain through the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Approach at Mary Free Bed Rehabilitation Hospital. He also has experience working with others on topics ranging from stress management to mental flexibility. Dr. Parks is also the author of Chronic Pain Rehabilitation: Active Pain Management That Helps You Get Back to the Life You Love. Dr.Parks holds a BA in Theology from Cedarville University, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Western Michigan University, and a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from The Forest Institute of Professional Psychology.

   

   Evan Parks, PsyD
   Licensed Clinical Psychologist

   Playing games in a relationship weakens the bond between two people. People play games to indirectly get their needs met. If you find yourself caught in this game, identify the game that is being played and offer an alternative, healthier way for the partner to get their needs met.
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   Being ignored makes you both feel isolated and lonely. Being ignored can feel a lot like being abandoned, and that’s because, in a way, it is. The other person is leaving you alone to make choices about the relationship alone and has chosen not to help you navigate this. But it also hurts and isolates them, too. Nobody involved is left feeling very good, and even when it’s a power play, it robs you both of the chance of taking power over your emotions.
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   Lack of communication can interfere with other parts of your life. If you rely on this person in your everyday life, then being shut out can disrupt that life. “Even when your partner is being silent,” Dr. Parks tells us, “you can offer updates on your life and ask polite questions that your partner can choose to respond to or not.” If you have joint responsibilities, there’s no excuse for letting them fall through because of an argument.

   • It can also be emotionally distracting, bleeding over into other parts of your life, like school or work.
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   The silent treatment can make you feel bad physically. Being ignored can cause severe stress. Stress can have real, physical consequences on your body, like headaches, high blood pressure, loss of sleep, fatigue, inability to focus, or even an upset stomach. In this way, being ignored isn’t just emotional or in your head; it can be felt in your body, too.
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   Being ignored can hurt your self-esteem. The silent treatment can make you second-guess yourself or feel like you’ve failed somehow as a partner, friend, or loved one. This sense of failure or hurt can hurt your self-esteem in the long run and make you feel like you aren’t equipped to handle other problems that come up. It can have long-lasting effects, which is why it’s important to address it when it comes up.
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Section 4 of 5:

Signs Someone is Ignoring You

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1. 
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   They refuse to talk to you. Sometimes you don’t even need a sign, and it’s obvious. If someone straight-up doesn’t talk to you when you address them or speak to them, then you’re being given the cold shoulder. It’s easiest to tell in person, when the interaction is real and immediate, and that’s when you should start to ask yourself about the next steps.

   • This is harder to notice over text or social media, where it might just be that the person has other things going on or maybe missed your text.
   • That said, if you contact them multiple times and they never answer, they’re probably ignoring you for one reason or another.
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   They keep conversations short or terse. Being ignored doesn’t always mean being shut out completely. It can also mean being kept at arm’s length or at a distance. Your loved one might still talk and interact with you, but they keep things short, answering with just a few words or suddenly becoming distracted with something else. This is sometimes a sign that they’re uncomfortable, but that they don’t necessarily want you to notice, or they just don’t want to talk about it.
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   They physically avoid you. Being ignored isn’t just verbal or emotional; it’s physical as well. They might leave the room when you enter, or turn their body away from you, making it harder to read their body language. Or, they might make excuses to be out of the house or to do things without you when normally they’d want you to come along. You might also notice physical distance, like if they sit away from you at a table when usually they’d sit next to you.

   • If you’re intimate, they might not hold your hand, hug, kiss, or touch you in ways they usually do.
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   The vibe between you has shifted. Other times, being ignored is something you feel in your gut. Maybe your dynamic has shifted. They might still talk to you, but it feels like you’re talking to an acquaintance. They might still hang around you, but they might avoid your gaze or purposefully talk to other people instead of you. This is when you should ask them directly if something is wrong, because it’s not very easy to figure things out based on vibes alone.
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Section 5 of 5:

Is the silent treatment abuse?

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1. It can be, if it’s a malicious pattern. Dr. Behr says that if the silent treatment is “coming from a malicious or a neglectful place,” then that should raise some alarms. This is especially true if it’s a pattern of behavior that happens over and over again. It means this person is using this behavior to try to control or manipulate your emotions, which is unkind and untrustworthy. In this case, it’s best to seek someone else’s opinion or see a therapist or counselor to talk about deeper problems in the relationship, as well as your own well-being.

   • That said, fights between loved ones happen—it’s natural. Not every fight or silent treatment is abusive; sometimes they’re just passing arguments that you need to work through.
   • Pay attention to the history of the behavior and your own feelings. If you ask your loved one for help and they refuse to meet you halfway, that’s a bad sign.

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