How to Handle a Butt-Obsessed Boyfriend: Expert Advice

Dating & relationship coach Shana Tibi covers how to set key boundaries with your boyfriend

Co-authored by Shana Tibi and Eric McClure

Last Updated: January 15, 2026 Fact Checked

It feels great to have a partner who loves how you look. But when your boyfriend is obsessed with your butt, it can start to make you feel uncomfortable or even objectified. In this article, we’ll tell you how to talk with your boyfriend and set clear boundaries that he has to follow—otherwise, you may want to rethink your relationship. To help you navigate this process, we met with dating & relationship coach Shana Tibi and relationship therapist Allen Wagner, MFT, MA to get expert help on setting, and enforcing, butt-related boundaries.

Dealing with a Guy Who Won’t Leave Your Butt Alone

Dating & relationship coach Shana Tibi believes that open and honest communication is the most essential element of a healthy, fulfilling relationship. If your boyfriend is violating your boundaries by touching or obsessing over your butt in a way that makes you uncomfortable, it’s important to talk to him about it to see if you can get him to change his behavior.

1

Tell him that he’s making you uncomfortable.

Download Article

Let him know right away that his behavior isn’t okay. If he’s a good boyfriend, he’ll want you to feel loved and cared for, not objectified or awkward. Tell him that what he’s doing makes you feel bad and that you’d like him to stop.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- Try something like, “I really don’t like it when you do that. It makes me uncomfortable, and I want you to stop it.”
- Tibi explains that “empathy and communication are everything when it comes to relationships, and that's got to be the foundation.”^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Shana Tibi
  Dating and Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview}Don’t be nervous to share how you feel. If he’s worth boyfriend status in the first place, he’ll care that he’s upsetting you.
Meet the wikiHow Experts

Shana Tibi is a professional dating and relationship coach who specializes in helping clients identify the core values they need to feel loved in a relationship.

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA is a licensed marriage and family therapist with over 20 years of experience helping clients navigate challenges in relationships.

2

Identify your personal boundaries.

Download Article

Sit down and think about what you’re okay with (and not okay with). Everyone’s boundaries are different, so don’t be afraid to come up with your own. That way, you’ll have a clear message to tell your boyfriend when you two talk so there’s no misunderstanding.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- For instance, maybe you’re okay with your boyfriend grabbing your butt in private, but not in public.
- Or, maybe you’re okay with him touching your butt, but you’d like him to ask you first.
- Tibi explains, “When it comes to establishing boundaries, it kind of goes back to core values.”^{[4]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Shana Tibi
  Dating and Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview} If one of your core values is that you want to be respected and not objectified in your relationship, then that’s a great boundary to set!

3

Remind yourself that your needs are valid.

Download Article

You don’t need to feel guilty for asserting your boundaries. Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries in a relationship, and that includes you. Standing up for yourself and telling your boyfriend how you feel will only improve your relationship, and it will make you feel much better, too.^{[5]
X
Trustworthy Source

Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source}
- If your boyfriend doesn’t respect your needs, he is not a good partner, and it’s probably time to end things with him.

4

Wait for a quiet moment to talk to him.

Download Article

Make sure you’re both feeling cool, calm, and collected. Pick a quiet, private spot to talk so you don’t get overheard. Picking the right time and place will probably lead to a much smoother conversation, and it will ensure that it goes better.^{[6]
X
Trustworthy Source

Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia

Go to source}
- If you aren’t sure whether or not your boyfriend is in a good place to talk, try asking, “Hey, do you have a second to chat with me?”
- Don’t put this talk off just to avoid the conflict. Wagner says, "When people avoid larger issues, and they don’t address it, it always comes back. It always comes back in small things, and you never know when it’s going to hit."^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
  Relationship Therapist
  
  Expert Interview} In other words, it’s better to go through a little bit of friction now and solve the underlying problem than it is to put it off and let it fester.

5

Use “I” statements.

Download Article

Tell him how you’re feeling to avoid making him defensive. When you use “I” statements, focus on how his behavior makes you feel instead of blaming him for it. That way, you can have a much more productive conversation, and he’ll be more likely to respect what you’re saying.
- Instead of saying, “You always grab my butt in public,” try, “When you grab me in public, I feel uncomfortable.”
- Instead of saying, “You only ever talk about my butt,” try, “When you compliment my butt and not the rest of my body, I feel like you’re sexualizing me.”
- Do not underestimate the power of telling someone, “I don’t like that.” Don’t be wishy-washy about your boyfriend’s behavior. If he has been crossing lines, tell him you don’t appreciate it.

6

Tell your boyfriend what you are okay with.

Download Article

Let him know what he can do so he understands what you’re comfortable with. Maybe you don’t mind your boyfriend talking about your butt with you, or you’re okay with him grabbing your butt in private. Be clear about what’s okay so he knows in the future. Try something like:^{[8]
X
Research source}
- “It’s totally fine if you grab my butt when we’re home alone. I don’t mind it in private.”
- “You can take pictures of my butt if you keep them to yourself.”
- “I’m okay with some butt play every now and then, but you have to ask for consent first.
- Wagner says that this is a key part of what love is: “Relationships are about compromise, but sometimes you have to explain why certain things are important to you.”^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
  Relationship Therapist
  
  Expert Interview}

7

Set clear consequences.

Download Article

Tell your boyfriend what will happen if he doesn’t respect your boundaries. You might take a break, rethink the relationship, or simply spend some time apart. It’s important to follow through with these consequences, too—that way, he knows you’re serious.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Say something like, “If you don’t respect my boundaries, I think it might be best if we took a break.”
- Or, “If you can’t respect my wishes, I’ll have to break up with you.”
- Tibi explains that “if somebody is stubborn and you can uncover the reason they’re being that way, and what's going on underneath that, then you two can work on it. If it's something your partner won’t work on, that is a deal breaker.”^{[11]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Shana Tibi
  Dating and Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview}

8

Listen to your boyfriend's perspective.

Download Article

Give him a chance to talk uninterrupted. It’s important that he has a say in the conversation too, even though it’s about your boundaries. Let him tell you his perspective, but be firm in your position. Nod along as he talks and ask follow-up questions to show that you’re listening.^{[12]
X
Trustworthy Source

Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia

Go to source}
- You can say things like, “I understand where you’re coming from,” and, “Could you tell me more?”
- It’s important for you to understand why he’s doing this. Even if it’s gross, uncomfortable, or confusing to you, try to give your boyfriend space to speak his mind. Tibi says that understanding your partner’s motivations and desires is essential to having a successful, healthy relationship.^{[13]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Shana Tibi
  Dating and Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview}
- If this is a pretty important part of his sexuality (say, it’s a kink for him), then discuss what kind of potential activities you are okay with. Perhaps he’ll lay off your butt, so to speak, if you two explore elsewhere in the bedroom in a way that’s more satisfying for both of you.

9

Speak up if your boyfriend crosses the line.

Download Article

Tell him in the moment that what he did was not okay. If you’re in public, pull him aside and tell him quietly that what he did was wrong. If you’re in private, you can sit down and have a longer talk and remind him about your boundaries.^{[14]
X
Research source}
- It’s important to call things out in the moment so he understands what you’re not okay with.
- You could say something like, “Hey, that wasn’t cool. You can’t sexualize me like that.”
- Stand your ground and speak up if he touches you without consent. Violating consent is a big deal, and if your boyfriend is touching you in a way that you’re not comfortable with, put your foot down and tell him no.

10

Get support from your friends and family.

Download Article

Your support system might be able to give you some advice. Talk to a close friend or family member about what you’re going through to see if they can help you out. Since they know you well, they might be able to suggest how to talk to your boyfriend and get through to him about your boundaries.^{[15]
X
Trustworthy Source

Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source}
- Ask your loved ones not to spread rumors or talk about your boyfriend behind his back. Otherwise, it could end up hurting your relationship in the long run.

11

End things if he doesn’t respect your boundaries.

Download Article

If your boyfriend keeps crossing the line, he’s not a good partner. You deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationship, and your boyfriend can’t continue his behavior. If you’ve talked to him multiple times but he still does things that you’re uncomfortable with, break up with him as soon as possible.^{[16]
X
Research source}
- Breaking up might sound extreme, but it’s important to hold your ground and let him know that his behavior is not okay.

Expert Q&A

Search

Add New Question

Question

Is my boyfriend obsessed or in love?

Jessica Swenson
Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist
Dr. Jessica Swenson is a Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist and the Founder of Transformative Growth Counseling. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in relationships—both romantic and familial. She earned her PhD in Community Psychology from National Louis University and her MS in Clinical Psychology from Roosevelt University. She’s also a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional.

Jessica Swenson

Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist

Expert Answer

Well, I think it kind of depends on in what way he is overly obsessed. Sometimes in new relationships, it can feel like someone has a higher sex drive or sexually obsessed with you. It could be a good conversation to have about. Try saying something like "Is there more in this relationship than just sex for you? What else do you see in this relationship for us? I'm concerned that this is sex phase for you."

Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
Thank you for your feedback.
If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
Yes No

Not Helpful 12 Helpful 9