Alexandra Solomon, PhD

I don't know what the research tells us about the tipping point where the size of an age gap goes from being a neutral fact about a couple, to becoming a problem or a risk factor. I think you have to ask yourself, is it a risk factor?

I think that age difference itself is not a particularly meaningful variable, but there are two ways that age difference impacts couples. One, it can end up being a cultural difference. When there's an age difference between partners, cultural references or cultural location points can be lost. The TV shows that I grew up with are the same ones that my husband grew up with because we are the same age. If there was an age difference, we'd have different pop culture references and we'd have different relationships to different historical moments. Cultural differences can be intimacy enhancers when people in the couple show curiosity and find it interesting.

The other way an age gap can play out is if there's a difference between your developmental stages of life. I have known many couples where an age difference may have meant little when they were 40 and 32, but it felt very different when they were 70 and 62. There can be developmental points where an age difference starts to take on more meaning.

I don't necessarily view an age gap as a make-or-break. But, I think when a couple has an age difference that ends up putting them in different life stages or different kind of generational stages, then they need to make sure that they're being mindful of how to protect what's great about your relationship from the impact of this age difference, you know?

I love talking about second-chance couples! In terms of best practices, I would reach out to them and see if they're open to meeting up. If you're meeting them, I would prepare for an emotionally intense experience. It's hard, because on the one hand, you really know this person, you have history, and there are things that feel so familiar and known. But, at the same time, there's so much uncertainty. You don't know what your ex has been doing for the past number of months or years. There's a blend of mystery and familiarity that is really potent. It can create powerful feelings of attraction.

I think it's really important to go slow and be intentional if you decide to get back together, even as you feel the rush and the power of refinding your ex. If you are going to start up again, you're going to want to start from a different kind of foundation because the relationship did end for some reason, right?

You'll need to have some conversations about what you both want to do differently. How can the two of you protect the 2.0 version of your relationship from the impact of the 1.0 version of your relationship? Those are really important conversations to have. It's not about blame, guilt, shame, or regret. It's about honoring that the two of you have a history and that history deserves to be understood so that you put the wind at your backs instead of at your faces.

It really sucks when the right thing and the hard thing are the same thing. In your case, I know that it's really hard to unfollow, block, and unfriend an ex.

I think we live in this moment where it's almost like we've elevated people who are friends with their exes. It can feel like the idea of having a "good breakup" with a lovely ending where you're friends now has almost become a morally superior ending story. I don't think that it should be that way.

In this digital age, when you break up with somebody, you have to go so far as to detach your Venmo account from theirs. You don't need to see what someone's spending their money on after a breakup. There's been research to indicate that the only people who can do friendship after a breakup are people who have taken a long amount of time to do no contact. In a breakup, going no contact is an act of mercy. It is merciful to your own heart so that it can start to mend and heal. And it is merciful to your ex, who also needs to tend to their heart and heal. Whether you're the one who initiated the breakup or were on the receiving end, there's pain for both people.

Space, distance, and no contact can actually be loving, clarifying, and necessary. I worry sometimes about people who think it should be simple or easy to go from lovers to friends. Give yourself grace and take the time to get space.

I think one of the hardest things about falling in love is how there's no way of knowing if wanting to be with someone feels the exact same way to them as it does to you. There's just no way of knowing exactly what the other person is feeling.

Plus, in any given moment, each of your levels of interest might not be exactly equal, which can lead to vulnerability or self-consciousness. I don't think we talk nearly enough about the vulnerability and courage it takes to let yourself be loved. It requires believing that you are worthy of being loved. It requires surrendering, letting go, and letting somebody in, especially if you have a history of not being cared for.

I think people can feel suspicious when somebody is showing interest in them, and it can feel really overwhelming. Is it really love bombing, or are you just accustomed to crumbs and, therefore, this feast that you're being offered feels actually really confusing? If you have somebody in front of you who seems attuned to you, you should talk to this person, go slowly, and make sure you've got your feet under you as you build something.