Am I the Problem?

Take this quiz to find out if you've got any toxic tendencies.

As Taylor Swift herself showed us in "Anti-Hero," sometimes, you've just got to buckle down and admit that you're the problem. It can be hard to figure this out on your own, though, so we're here to help!

Just answer these questions, and we'll let you know if it seems like you usually act in a reasonable, well-adjusted way, or if you've got some toxic tendencies. Click "Start Quiz" to get started!

An illustration of a woman pointing to another woman in accusation while the other woman puts her hands up to deflect blame.

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Questions Overview

1. Someone tells you that you hurt their feelings. What do you do?
  1. Immediately apologize and ask how I can make things right.
  2. Probably be defensive at first, but eventually apologize.
  3. I might say I'm sorry to end the convo, but I won't mean it.
  4. Point out the ways that they've hurt my feelings. It's a two-way street!
2. How often do you lie?
  1. Pretty often—I can't help it.
  2. Not all the time, but sometimes it's necessary!
  3. Very rarely, and only to protect someone's feelings.
  4. Never! I really value honesty.
3. You get the vibe that a friend is mad at you about something. What do you do?
  1. Ignore it. They'll get over it eventually.
  2. Act mad at them, too. Two can play this game!
  3. Ask them what's going on so we can work it out.
  4. Honestly, it depends on the day.
4. When you're mad at someone else about something, how do you act?
  1. I give them the silent treatment until they figure out I'm mad.
  2. I try to deal with it privately, but I end up getting passive-aggressive.
  3. I explain my feelings to them and ask if we can talk things out.
  4. I've done all of these before...it just depends!
5. Do you tend to take things personally?
  1. Yes, because they are personal!
  2. Sometimes. It depends on what exactly was said.
  3. Not really. I can handle criticism, and I can take a joke.
6. Would you consider yourself overly judgmental of others?
  1. Honestly, yes. I can be a bit hyper-critical.
  2. I can be judgmental sometimes, but I'm working on it.
  3. No. I'm pretty understanding and non-critical!
7. You ask a friend to hang out, but they say they need some alone time to recharge. How do you respond?
  1. I act super offended and guilt-trip them into saying yes.
  2. I go over to their place anyway. They'll have fun once I'm there!
  3. I say okay and leave it at that! We'll hang out another time.
  4. I ask if they're okay and send them $15 to order comfort food.
8. When you're in an argument with someone, you usually...
  1. Make accusations and call them out. I'm not the only one to blame!
  2. Cry or break down to get it to stop. I'm really sensitive to criticism!
  3. Patiently hear them out, then explain my side of things.
  4. I don't really get into "arguments." I have calm, mature convos!
9. Would you consider yourself a dependable person?
  1. Yes, 100%. I'm someone people can count on.
  2. Most of the time, but sometimes I get a little flaky.
  3. TBH, not really. I'm pretty inconsistent.
10. Do you put other people's needs before your own?
  1. Yes, way too much! It makes me feel kinda resentful.
  2. No way! My needs are my top priority, always.
  3. I balance my needs with other people's needs. Both are important!

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Are You the Problem? Toxic Traits & How to Work on Them

We'd like to believe that we're totally reasonable people who can do no wrong, but most of us are liable to exhibit a toxic trait or two from time to time. While it's totally normal to react emotionally or display an unhealthy defense mechanism on occasion, if you find that you're actually the problem most of the time, it becomes more of an issue. We've consulted a few of wikiHow's mental health experts for their takes on what makes someone toxic or problematic, as well as their advice on how to heal from these tendencies:

  • Clinical psychologist Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS, says behaviors, attitudes, and perceptions that are toxic may reveal themselves in a variety of ways, including "verbal and nonverbal communications, physical manipulation, aggression, or coercion; behaviors that are controlling, manipulative, and punitive; extreme jealousy and suspicion; an unwillingness to compromise or concede; a lack of empathy; gaslighting; emotional instability; and a lack of healthy and open communication."[1]
  • Relationship therapist Nikki Harmon says it's normal to not be at your best in relationships from time to time, even to the point of hurting others' feelings. "I think being in a relationship with humans means sometimes we get hurt and sometimes we hurt each other. That's just a normal part of relationships," she explains. "I think when it starts to become a problem is when it becomes a pattern. If it's happening over and over, if it's happening without repair."[2]
  • Life & empowerment coach Jennifer Butler, MSW recommends assessing your own behavior if you constantly find yourself making the same mistakes or being stuck in the same loop. "We have these stories that run in our subconscious, and we create these patterns and habits that we live into without even realizing it," she says. "Ask yourself the question: how am I creating this? What am I doing? How am I showing up? Who am I being that I am continuously creating the same mistake? It really becomes this radical responsibility for your life, and seeing how you are the co-creator of whatever it is that you continuously keep doing."[3]
  • Licensed clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz, PsyD also suggests looking at your actions if you constantly find yourself in relationships with lots of conflict. "Sometimes, the reason people blow things out of proportion is because they're not feeling heard by you. So, if they've told you the same thing 10 times, it's going to sound different the 10th time they tell you than it did the first time. The first step would be to look at your own behavior and determine whether you're really listening."[4]
  • Life and relationship coach Wendy Lynne cautions against blaming other people for the way you feel. "You have the power within yourself to actually shift and change a relationship," she explains. "You have the power if you take the power. How you communicate with someone affects how they communicate back."[5]

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References

  1. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
  2. ↑ Nikki Harmon. Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview
  3. ↑ Jennifer Butler, MSW. Life & Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview
  4. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
  5. ↑ Wendy Lynne. Life and Relationship Coach. Expert Interview