How to Handle a Person Who Betrayed You

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Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Nancy Lin, PhD, tells you what to do when someone breaks your trust

Co-authored by Nancy Lin, PhD and Luke Smith, MFA

Last Updated: November 27, 2025 Fact Checked

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• Working It Out
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• Taking Care of Yourself
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• When to Forgive
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• Why Betrayal Happens
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• Video
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• Expert Q&A

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Betrayal hurts deep down and damages your relationship; there’s just no way around it. But what you do next is up to you. What do you say? How do you act? Can you repair things? We talked to licensed clinical psychologists, counselors, and therapists to help you work through your feelings, understand why the betrayal happened, figure out if you should forgive them, and protect your peace in the process. Keep reading for everything you need to know!

Handling Betrayal

Licensed clinical psychologist Nancy Lin, PhD, says that you should be “really clear on your own values before approaching the other person” after a betrayal. Take some time to calm yourself, then tell them how they’ve hurt you. Give them a chance to respond, and try to communicate clearly and honestly with each other.

Steps

Section 1 of 4:

Working It Out

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1. 
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   Take time to sort through your feelings. According to professional counselor Katie Styzek, it’s important to “make sure you are both feeling calm before trying to talk through the situation.” You may feel a lot of conflicting emotions, so instead of immediately reacting and confronting the person, you may feel better if you get some personal space. Write down your feelings, or call a trusted friend and talk with them about what happened. Working through your own emotions will help you figure out exactly what you want to say when you do decide to confront this person.

   • For instance, if a close family member went back on their word about an agreement you had, you might feel intensely angry. Give yourself time to calm down, and come up with a plan for approaching them about your arrangement.
   • Get really clear on your values before talking with the other person. What specifically made the incident a betrayal for you? Why did this person’s behavior hurt you so much?

   Meet the wikiHow Experts

   Nancy Lin, PhD, is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist providing therapy for people suffering from insomnia, trauma, depression, and related problems.

   Katie Styzek is a Professional School Counselor for Chicago Public Schools.

   Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Executive Director of Eddins Counseling Group with more than 20 years of experience.

   Jessica George, MA, CHt, is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Professional Master Life Coach, and Co-Founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching based in Glendale, California.
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   Bring it up to them calmly and tell them you’re hurt. Dr. Lin suggests expressing your feelings directly once you’re ready. This may be a little nerve-racking, but it’s important to do if you want to repair the relationship. It’s best to talk to them in person, but it’s okay to do it via phone or text if that’s more comfortable for you. Share how you feel, and tell them exactly why their actions felt like a betrayal to you. Just talking about it can help you feel better, and it also lets the person know that what they did was harmful.

   • You could say something like, “Can we talk about this past weekend? It’s been on my mind, and I want to clear some things up.”
   • Focus on how their actions made you feel, and avoid blaming them too much. Use “I statements” to help you. For example, it’s better to say, “I felt hurt when I learned that you did that,” rather than “You hurt me when you did that.”
   • If you and your romantic partner are dealing with the issue of betrayal, you might find that you talk about it all the time. Instead of letting it sneak into every conversation, plan a specific time to discuss it.
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   Listen to their perspective and put yourself in their shoes. Dr. Lin reminds us that there might be more to the story than you think. Give them the opportunity to explain themselves, and listen closely and patiently. This is really important if you want to mend the relationship and move on. Maybe the betrayal was actually a miscommunication, and you can clear things up. Or, perhaps listening to their explanation can help you decide whether or not you want to repair the relationship.

   • For instance, if you're hurt because you feel like a friend has disappeared (not taking your calls, ignoring your texts, etc), but then you learn that they're dealing with depression, this offers helpful context for the way they’ve been acting.
   • Or, you may listen to a co-worker explain why they talked about you behind your back and realize that the person feels totally justified and doesn't realize what they did was wrong. You may decide to be more cautious around them in the future.
   • Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Can you understand why they might have done that, or does it still seem totally uncalled for?
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   Keep your cool, even if you decide it’s not okay. Focus on staying calm, so you can communicate effectively. If you're trying to rebuild a relationship with a partner, friend, or colleague, lashing out will make it much harder. They may start to resent you or feel like you no longer want to be friends. Even if they don’t have a good explanation or won’t apologize, stay composed and cordial around them, so you don’t make the situation messier.

   • It's really easy to lash out in anger, but remind yourself that it won't necessarily make you feel better or repair the relationship.
   • Trying for revenge won’t help, either, and it will just make the argument last longer. It’s healthier and more mature to let it go and protect your own peace.
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   Set some expectations for the future, so you can avoid the same mistakes. Licensed professional counselor Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S, says, “What actions could you take to demonstrate trust in this relationship moving forward? Share that with the other person, or ask them what actions you could take to rebuild trust.” It's completely natural to want an apology if they betrayed you, but you might need to make this clear to them. You might also need to explain that you won't tolerate this type of behavior in the future.

   • For example, if they lied to you because they were afraid you’d get angry, you might say, “You can tell me anything, and I promise not to overreact. It makes me more upset when you keep things from me.” Of course, you’ll have to follow through on the promise, too!
   • Being really clear about what you want also lets the other person make a choice. They can either respect your wishes and boundaries, or disagree and possibly end the relationship.
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   Forgive the person if you want to rebuild the relationship. You can tell the person or just acknowledge it to yourself. Forgiveness is really something you do yourself. It means you've come to terms with what happened and how you feel, and you're ready to move forward. This means letting go of your hurt feelings. Give the person opportunities to prove that you can trust them again.

   • You might say to the person, "You know, it really hurt me when you told my friends those secrets. I'm still really unhappy that you did that, but I want to stay friends, and I’m ready to forgive you if I know I can trust you."
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   Rebuild trust gradually if you want to reconnect. Dr. Lin acknowledges that you may not be able to give them the same trust right away, but you can still repair the relationship if you want. Rebuilding trust doesn't happen overnight—it's more of a mindset that you cultivate. Continue to be open and honest with the person about your feelings, and give them small opportunities to win your trust back while you work on forgiving them.

   • For example, if they cheated on you and you want to rebuild trust, ask them to communicate more while you’re apart.
   • Or, if they talked badly about you behind your back, pay attention to how they talk about you now, or ask other friends if they’ve heard anything.
   • It's okay to tell the person that you're still struggling with trusting them, especially if it's a partner who betrayed you. Acknowledge these challenging feelings and communicate them to your partner, so they can try to support you.
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   Distance yourself or break contact if forgiveness is too hard. Dr. Lin says you may have to “rethink” the relationship after betrayal. That might mean having a different level of closeness, or it might mean ending the relationship altogether. If you still feel like you can't trust them at all, you may need to let this person go. This isn't a decision to make lightly, but if you realize that the person doesn't care about repairing things the way they should, it may be time to take a step back.

   • You don't have to have a dramatic confrontation with them. You can be polite and still keep them at arms' length. This might be the best option for interacting with a co-worker or acquaintance who's betrayed you.
   • If you’re closer to this person, you’ll need to be clear about where you stand. Tell them you can’t trust them anymore and that you won’t contact them again, then follow through on that.
   • Reader Poll: We asked 519 wikiHow readers how to set boundaries with a family member who betrayed them, and 60% said they would limit the amount of time they spend with them. [Take Poll]
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Section 2 of 4:

Taking Care of Yourself

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   Stay social and spend time with others. Betrayal hurts because someone you cared about was careless with your feelings, and it can be hard to trust others after that. It’s not helpful to isolate yourself, though. Whether you're trying to repair the relationship or you’ve cut this person off completely, make sure to spend quality time with people you enjoy being around. Leaning on your support system can be very healing!

   • If you're rebuilding trust with a partner, try doing something fun together, too. Go out for drinks, challenge each other at the arcade, paint pottery together—anything that gives you a mental break and a pleasant experience.
   • Make it a group hangout if you want to take some of the pressure off the situation. This helps make things less tense and gives you the chance to hang out with other people you care about, too.
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   Do things you enjoy to build self-esteem. “Be good to yourself,” says marriage and family therapist Jessica George, MA, CHt, and “don’t ruminate too much.” It’s easy to doubt yourself or struggle with confidence after betrayal, so it’s important to rebuild your self-esteem. Do things you enjoy, or that you’re good at, to reconnect with yourself and remind yourself of your value.

   • Remember, it’s not your fault you were betrayed, and it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It’s their mistake, and they’re the one who has to make amends!
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   Work with a therapist to address your feelings. Matchmaker Abby Rosenblum says that after a betrayal, it’s wise to reach out to a therapist to “process some of those feelings” with a professional. If you feel like the betrayal and your interactions with the person are making it hard to function, don't hesitate to reach out for professional mental health services. Seeing a licensed counselor can help you move past trust issues and feel good in your relationship again.

   • Your therapist may use cognitive behavioral therapy. This type of talk therapy helps you challenge your negative thinking to see things in a more positive light. This can help if you struggle to interact with the person who betrayed you.
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Section 3 of 4:

When should you forgive betrayal?

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1. 
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   Forgive them if the relationship is more important than the betrayal. Only you can answer this question for yourself. Life coach Camber Hill reminds us that every relationship is tested now and then, and that it’s a matter of self-respect. Would forgiving this betrayal mean abandoning your own values, or was it just an honest mistake? Do they seem truly sorry? Would it be silly to end this relationship over this one thing, or is it a pattern? Ask yourself these questions and think it through. If you can envision a life where things are patched up, it’s probably worth trying to mend your connection.

   • If you’re still not sure, ask a close friend or family member who isn’t involved for their opinion. They may have a valuable perspective.
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   Walk away if they’re not sorry, or if you can’t trust them. Dr. Lin says that it’s hard to come back from a betrayal where the other person actually meant to hurt you, and she offers a reminder that you don’t have to tolerate that. If they’re not sorry, then it’s more likely that they’d behave this way again, which means you probably shouldn’t trust them. It’s likely time to consider ending the relationship altogether.

   • Even if they are sorry, sometimes the damage is too much, and you can’t look at them the same way. If this happens, it’s okay to walk away for now and see how you feel down the line.
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Section 4 of 4:

Why do people betray us?

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1. 
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   It might be a misunderstanding or a mistake. Dr. Lin reminds us that, often, conflicts are the result of innocent mistakes. The person who betrayed you might have thought they were doing the right thing, but it ended badly. Or, you just might not have all the details of the situation. People usually want to get along and help each other, and what you think is a betrayal might just be an honest slip-up.

   • For example, if you think someone lied to you, they might have thought in the moment that they were actually telling the truth.
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   Things might be more complicated than you realize. A betrayal is rarely as simple as “This person wanted to hurt me.” Often, there are many more variables at play that you don’t, and may never, know about. It’s easy to want the situation to be black and white, but most of life exists within a gray area, and the betrayal might, too.

   • For example, maybe they had to make a hard choice between hurting your feelings or someone else’s.
   • Or, maybe they were pressured to do it by someone else, and they felt like the damage was worth the gain.
   • None of these things would excuse what they did, but you’ve probably been in similar sticky situations before, so understanding the context may help you understand their perspective.
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   They might not have been a very good ally to begin with. Of course, sometimes people just don’t know how to treat others well. Dr. Lin says there’s a possibility that they might have wanted to hurt you. Maybe they were trying to get back at you for something, or they just didn’t care enough about your feelings to stop themselves from acting poorly. It happens and it hurts, but it’s just one of life’s tough ways of reminding us to be careful who we trust.

   • That said, even our best friends sometimes hurt us on purpose. It’s not nice, but conflict happens, and sometimes it’s best to forgive and forget, if you think the relationship is worth saving.
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Forgive & Move Past Betrayal With This Expert Series

It's hard to restore trust once it's been shattered, but it is possible. We've put together this expert series to help you move past betrayal and find the courage to forgive, rebuild, and move on.

1

How to Forgive Someone for Lying to You

2

Rebuild Trust

3

How to Forgive Someone Who Traumatized You

4

Confront Someone Who Has Hurt You

5

How to Spot a Liar in a Relationship: 15 Ways to Tell

6

Deal With Betrayal

Expert Q&A

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• Question

  Can you be friends again after betrayal?

  

  Nancy Lin, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist

  Dr. Nancy Lin is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Owner of Go to Sleep San Diego, a private practice providing therapy for people suffering from insomnia, trauma, depression, and related problems. She is also trained in issues related to cultural diversity in mental health. Dr. Lin holds a Bachelors degree in Psychology from The University of California, Berkeley and a Masters degree in Medical Anthropology from the University of London, SOAS. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Massachusetts Boston and completed an APA-accredited internship and postdoctoral training at the VA San Diego Healthcare System (VASDHS).

  

  Nancy Lin, PhD

  Licensed Clinical Psychologist

  Expert Answer

  It really depends on what you and your friend's values are. If you and your friend don't see eye-to-eye on important values, you may have to either restructure or rethink the friendship altogether.

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