I need help!! (he's getting a little bit...much)
So I'm dating this really nice guy named Nathan. We've been together almost 7 months and he's getting a little bit...much.
If I already have plans, he asks me out on that specific night then gets upset when I say I have previous commitments. But then the next day he's perfectly content to cuddle and treat me like a queen. When I see him, my heart does that crazy weird butterfly thingie and I feel great.
He makes time to come see me every day at lunch and after school, even though he doesn't go to my school. But at night it feels like his inner demon comes out and he's suddenly no longer himself. He's so controlling and dominant and I'm not sure I like Night-Nathan as much as I do Day-Nathan.
So what do I do? Do I settle for the Day-Nathan, or give him up?
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If I already have plans, he asks me out on that specific night then gets upset when I say I have previous commitments. But then the next day he's perfectly content to cuddle and treat me like a queen. When I see him, my heart does that crazy weird butterfly thingie and I feel great.
He makes time to come see me every day at lunch and after school, even though he doesn't go to my school. But at night it feels like his inner demon comes out and he's suddenly no longer himself. He's so controlling and dominant and I'm not sure I like Night-Nathan as much as I do Day-Nathan.
So what do I do? Do I settle for the Day-Nathan, or give him up?
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It seems like you're confused by Nathan (rightfully so), and this confusion is causing a lack of a feeling of stability and security in the relationship as a result.
I'd recommend trying to have a gentle conversation with Nathan and say, "I experience you this way during the day and totally different at night.", Then, see how they respond.
Perhaps Nathan will have reasons, like "Yes, during the daytime, I have to do XYZ with my job. Then at night, I'm so worn out that sometimes I'm kind of snippy." If they can explain, and you think their reasons are ones you want to live with, then it's likely still a good match. If not, then I wouldn't stay.
We can't force people to change. There's no guarantee of them changing and trying to get them to fundamentally change is likely going to cause consternation and pain. So, can you accept them as they are right now? If not, it's time to move on.
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I'd recommend trying to have a gentle conversation with Nathan and say, "I experience you this way during the day and totally different at night.", Then, see how they respond.
Perhaps Nathan will have reasons, like "Yes, during the daytime, I have to do XYZ with my job. Then at night, I'm so worn out that sometimes I'm kind of snippy." If they can explain, and you think their reasons are ones you want to live with, then it's likely still a good match. If not, then I wouldn't stay.
We can't force people to change. There's no guarantee of them changing and trying to get them to fundamentally change is likely going to cause consternation and pain. So, can you accept them as they are right now? If not, it's time to move on.
Are you noticing any reasons as to why maybe his behavior is different at night? Is he overly stressed at school? Is there some sort of substance use going on that you’re not aware of? Something that could be changing his personality that you could address? If you’re uncomfortable with someone or they’re making you feel Controlled, that’s definitely a red flag. Do you think that this deserves a conversation to see if changes can be made before pulling the plug. Is it worth it?
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Day Nathan sounds great, but you deserve someone who acts like Day Nathan all the time: someone kind, understanding, and respectful who gives you your space. In contrast, Night Nathan seems a bit insecure, as well as, in your own words, "controlling and dominant." It's possible talking to him about how his behavior affects you and setting clear boundaries will help him gain some self-awareness and treat you better, but if he doesn't make real efforts to change, don't settle for someone who treats you poorly (even if it's only some of the time).
If you believe you're in any danger of physical harm, or if Nathan is ever insulting or verbally abusive toward you, it's best to get out of the relationship ASAP, and confide in someone you trust about what's going on. There are free resources available from the National Domestic Violence Hotline—just call 1-800-799-SAFE or text START to 88788. Your safety and happiness is the top priority!
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If you believe you're in any danger of physical harm, or if Nathan is ever insulting or verbally abusive toward you, it's best to get out of the relationship ASAP, and confide in someone you trust about what's going on. There are free resources available from the National Domestic Violence Hotline—just call 1-800-799-SAFE or text START to 88788. Your safety and happiness is the top priority!
Yes communication!!! You have to have communication in any relationship. And early in relationship some get worried, you know things going so well something is going to happen. Only if you make it happen.
I had a relationship like that and I would say I had plans on a certain night but she would never seem to remember. What I did for a few months was make us both a calendar. Write down plans, times, with who..... We both had one. And you know some people aren't as secure in a relationship as you maybe. So I would also
Write in for us to meet and have a drink and talk a minute and then go on with my plans. Now I didn't do it everytime but enough to let her know how special she was to me. Or door dash their favorite desert when you know they would be home we ith a note " just can't quit thinking of you" everyone needs to feel special and these things should never quit I still did some of them 12-15 years later. They are a big part of your life, your either trying to figure out if you can deal with them the rest of your life or
If you can live without them the rest of your life. Life is such a miracle and you want to get every thing out of it you can. And most want someone to share that with. Don't get in a rut, don't settle for anything less then what you want and need to be happy, don't be with someone just because you think you should. Be with someone who enhances your life, someone who brings excitement and joy, someone you can learn from and who can learn from you. Be with that person who surprises you with little things that they know you love, who makes sure that you are content with the life your living, that person that will help you figure out what you need to do if your not. And be sure it is not one sided, you have to do the same thing. Don't rush, just stay with an even flow. It's not all good times but if you live like this it's easier to get through
The rough times. Much love for the two of you.
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I had a relationship like that and I would say I had plans on a certain night but she would never seem to remember. What I did for a few months was make us both a calendar. Write down plans, times, with who..... We both had one. And you know some people aren't as secure in a relationship as you maybe. So I would also
Write in for us to meet and have a drink and talk a minute and then go on with my plans. Now I didn't do it everytime but enough to let her know how special she was to me. Or door dash their favorite desert when you know they would be home we ith a note " just can't quit thinking of you" everyone needs to feel special and these things should never quit I still did some of them 12-15 years later. They are a big part of your life, your either trying to figure out if you can deal with them the rest of your life or
If you can live without them the rest of your life. Life is such a miracle and you want to get every thing out of it you can. And most want someone to share that with. Don't get in a rut, don't settle for anything less then what you want and need to be happy, don't be with someone just because you think you should. Be with someone who enhances your life, someone who brings excitement and joy, someone you can learn from and who can learn from you. Be with that person who surprises you with little things that they know you love, who makes sure that you are content with the life your living, that person that will help you figure out what you need to do if your not. And be sure it is not one sided, you have to do the same thing. Don't rush, just stay with an even flow. It's not all good times but if you live like this it's easier to get through
The rough times. Much love for the two of you.
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