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NV Gay
LGBTQIA+ Activist and Educator
Professional Achievements
- Published The Queer Allies Bible: The Ultimate Guide to Being an Empowering LGBTQIA+ Ally in 2025
Education
- BS, Education, Ashland University
- MA, Coaching, University of Concordia Irvine
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Forum Comments (14)
When I was in the early days of adulthood, I was even homophobic and transphobic. I was someone who was mean and said some nasty things. One, because my last name is Gay, I was always made fun of, and people thought I was gay, so I tried to fight back against that. But secondly, because I had so many internalized questions and so much anger and pain inside about who I was, I turned it outwards. If I could make someone else hurt, then it made me feel better about myself.
This is something that happens a lot more than we want to realize. But it's not your responsibility to figure it out. That's their responsibility, to go to therapy and figure that sh*t out. So when I tell you this, my goal is to help you humanize your Dad. So you don't fight his anger with anger. Instead, fight anger with love. Tell him you want him to understand you and see you for who you are, and that you love him even though you disagree with him. You don't owe him anything else, though. You can also just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." You have to protect yourself.
One other thing is that your Dad might be scared for you. No one wants their child to have a hard life. Everyone wants their child to have a better life than they've had. When a parent sees their child coming out as queer, they immediately think their life is going to be harder.
It's scary for a lot of parents. What it comes down to is that they need to see the idea that you're coming out not because you're trying to follow a trend or not because you're trying to be something special, but you're just trying to be yourself. You're trying to show yourself for who you are. So you need to make sure to just stay true to yourself and be you, and hope that eventually your Dad will see beyond his fear.
Asexuality is the absence of sexual desire. It's a spectrum, but at large, it means you don't want to engage in sexual intimacy. It can change over time, but for now, it means you don't feel sexual desire like others do.
Then, non-binary, I explain like this: "I don't feel like a man. I don't feel like a woman. I feel like a third gender. I don't need to live in one certain identity. I don't feel comfortable living fully as a male or fully as a female. I feel more comfortable floating in the middle and being myself."
Hopefully, that will help them better understand. The labels can be scary for parents. If they react negatively, it's usually from a place of fear. So explaining how you feel clearly and specifically will help them feel less afraid and be more understanding.
Imagine you're wearing a pair of shoes. If you're wearing a pair of shoes that fit perfectly, you go about your daily life and never think of them again. You just wear them. You walk around, you do your work, everything's great? However, if you're wearing a pair of shoes where one is too small or one is too big. Every step you take, you feel it. Every moment, it's on your mind. You might be able to push it to the back of your mind, and you might be able to go on with your daily life and do your work, but it's always there. It's always nagging at you. It's always going to be until it's resolved, until you take those shoes off and you get ones that fit correctly. That's what gender dysphoria is.
So with gender dysphoria, first comes identifying it. Sometimes you feel off about yourself, and you feel like there's something missing, but it's not always clear what it is or that it's dysphoria. My first and best recommendation is therapy. I strongly recommend talking to a gender therapist — someone who is licensed and experienced in working with transgender individuals. Do not just go to any therapist; make sure they have a background in gender.
They will help you understand what it is that needs to change for you to work through the dysphoria. It might be your clothes or your hair. It could be something external that needs to change (that would require surgery), or it could be hormones. It's really important to work with someone who is safe and understanding and who learns about you.
I know money is an issue, so I echo the recommendations of other readers here. Sometimes, gender therapists will be able to work with your financial situation or take insurance. Try to connect with one whenever you are able and see what options you have.
So first and foremost, being non-binary does mean you're trans. Trans is not one simple way of looking or being. So when you're explaining this to someone, you can explain to them that literally, transgender just means that you identify differently from how you were assigned at birth.
Here is a helpful graphic I created that helps explain the transgender umbrella – you have the umbrella and the handle. On the left side, you have trans man and trans woman, the binary, and that’s half of it. The right side is the non-binary. Non-binary itself is a whole other umbrella because under that, you have gender fluid, gender queer, agender, all of these different things. Transgender is one umbrella term that encompasses so many different identities because it really starts with: are you transgender or are you cisgender? Cisgender just means that you identify as the gender you were born into. Transgender means you do not.
It really comes down to approaching it with love and expressing, “I really want to tell you this. I want to share with you who I am. I've thought about this for a very long time, and I just do not feel right as a girl or as a boy. I feel more somewhere in between. I do not know exactly what that means right now, and it can change day-to-day, but for me, what I feel fits me best is they/them pronouns. Is being called by this name, is being seen this way. Being able to wear the clothes I want to wear, be the person I want to be. I do not want to fit into someone else's box, but rather be free to be who I am.”
Co-authored Articles (31)
Am I a Femboy Quiz
A femboy is exactly who it sounds like—a boy who likes things associated with femininity! Anyone can be a femboy, regardless of their gender or sexuality, though. It’s more of a mindset. Answer these quick question...
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Tuck and Tape
If you’re a gender-diverse individual, tucking can help you feel more comfortable with your body. Whether tucking helps affirm your gender identity as trans, agender, or nonbinary, or you want to learn how to tuck for ...
What Gender Should I Have Been Born As Quiz
Ever wondered what life would be like as the other gender? Were you supposed to be someone else? Answer some simple questions, and we'll tell you which gender you should have been! (''Note: This quiz is just for fun, a...
Tucking 101: How to Untuck Safely
You’ve mastered the art of the tuck, but now it’s time to strip off the tape and allow your genitals and skin to rest and recover. Learning to untuck is easier than it seems, and once you’ve got it down, you’ll b...
Is Tucking Dangerous? All Your Questions About Tucking Answered
Tucking can feel liberating and incredibly gender-affirming if you identify as trans, non-binary, or want to participate in the drag scene. If you’re new to tucking, you might have a lot of questions about whether tuck...
How to Determine If You Identify as a Lesbian
LGBTQIA+ activist and educator NV Gay offers advice for if you’re questioning your sexualitySexuality is something that exists on a spectrum, and there aren’t really any specific “rules” when it comes to figurin...
Tucking in a Swimsuit: Best Options & Expert Advice
LGBTQIA+ Activist and Educator NV Gay shares some of their favorite tucking tips and productsWhether you’re trans, nonbinary, trying to pull off a drag look, or just looking for some extra coverage, wearing a swimsuit ...
What Does It Mean to Wear a Black Ring? Fashion, Sexuality & More
Do black rings have a secret meaning?Black rings are having their moment: they’ve gone from a fringe jewelry option for goths and punks to a common and fashionable option for everybody. That said, there are a few fasci...
How to
Accept That You Are Gay
LGBTQIA+ Activist and Educator NV Gay explains how to accept that you’re gayIf you are LGBTQ but struggle with accepting that fact, here is a guide to help you. You have found out your sexual orientation, and you are p...
Am I a Femcel Quiz (And What Does It Mean?)
"Femcel" is short for "feminine" and "celibate," and describes a woman who, for one reason or another, don't have sex. Does that sound like you? Answer a few quick, confidential questions about your views on sex, and we...
What Does the Term "Femboy" Mean?
Learn all about this gender-bending aesthetic Femboys have taken the internet by storm over the last few years, and now that term seems to be everywhere. If you’re confused about what exactly it means, don’t worry! W...
300+ Popular Names for Non-Binary People
LGBTQ+ culture expert NV Gay provides the best names that defy gender normsIf you’re non-binary, a great way to express your gender identity is by choosing a new name. Any name can be non-binary, but there are lots of ...
Am I Autosexual?
Ever feel like you're more attracted to yourself than you are to other people? No, it's not weird, you just might be autosexual! Answer these quick questions about your personal experiences and preferences, and we’ll ...
“I’m Coming to the Cottage” Meaning from Heated Rivalry
LGBTQ+ culture expert NV Gay explains the significance of this iconic line from Heated RivalryYou might already know that ''Heated Rivalry'' is…''everywhere'', but what’s all this stuff about cottages? And what does ...
What Are Stud Lesbians? Meaning, Slang Origin & More
LGBTQ+ Culture Expert NV Gay explains the difference between studs and butchesThere are many different lesbian subtypes, with “stud” being one gaining more visibility in recent years. A stud is a Black masculine-pres...
The Best Animated Shows with LGBTQ+ Characters & Scenes
LGBTQ+ Culture Expert NV Gay gives you some must-watch queer showsGay besties, sapphic supervillains, and queer enemies-to-lovers? Yep, you can find all of these tropes and characters in cartoons! Looking for animated sh...
How to
Come Out
LGBTQIA+ Educator NV Gay explains how to come out safely and comfortablyComing out is a deeply personal process, and it’s important to remember that you’re in charge of your journey. Come out to your friends, family,...
How to
Meet Other Lesbians
LGBTQIA+ Activist and Educator NV Gay teaches you how to make friends and meet lovers in lesbian spaces A community at your back is one of the best ways to support yourself in any area of life. Whether you've only come o...
Transphobic Parents: How to Deal with Them, Coming Out, & More
LGBTQIA+ Educator NV Gay explains how to stay true to yourself if your parents are unsupportive If your parents are scared or uncomfortable with the fact that some people are transgender, it can be hard to be yourself ar...
Happy Birthday Messages for Gay Friends & Family
LGBTQ+ culture expert NV Gay shares heartwarming ways to celebrate your LGBTQ+ palsYou cherish your gay bud every day, but on their birthday, they deserve a card with an inclusive and humorous message to celebrate them. ...
