Is My Boyfriend Secretly Gay?

Signs he may be gay or attracted to men

Relationships are hard—especially if you have the sneaking suspicion your partner might not really be into you. If you're a woman who's wondering if your boyfriend is secretly in the closet, this quiz may be able to help.

While the only person who can tell you for certain if your boyfriend is gay is your boyfriend himself, this quiz might give you an idea of where you stand in your relationship, so you can start a conversation with him. Press "Start Quiz" to begin.

Illustration of a woman lying awake next to her sleeping boyfriend.

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Questions Overview

1. How does your boyfriend act when discussing LGBTQ+ issues?
  1. He's very open-minded and supportive.
  2. He has very strong positive opinions.
  3. He has very strong negative opinions.
  4. He doesn't seem to really have any opinions.
2. Would you say your boyfriend is emotionally unavailable or closed off?
  1. Yes, always.
  2. Yeah, sometimes.
  3. Not very often.
  4. No, never.
3. How does your boyfriend react when another guy compliments him?
  1. He gets all nervous and maybe even blushes.
  2. He just says "Thanks!" and generally acts appreciative.
  3. He acts pretty indifferent.
  4. He compliments them back.
  5. He reacts negatively.
4. Has your boyfriend ever said anything to suggest he might be curious about being with another guy?
  1. No, he's never said anything like that to me.
  2. Yeah, once or twice he's expressed curiosity.
  3. He passionately denies having any interest in or curiosity about men.
  4. Yeah, he brings it up all the time.
5. Do you ever catch your boyfriend checking out other men or women?
  1. Yeah, I've caught him checking out men.
  2. Yeah, I've caught him checking out women.
  3. Yes, I've caught him checking out both men and women.
  4. No, I've never seen him check anyone out.
6. Has your boyfriend ever made any homophobic comments?
  1. No way.
  2. Not that I can recall...
  3. Yeah, once or twice.
  4. Yes, he makes comments regularly.
7. Does your boyfriend have many queer friends?
  1. I don't think so.
  2. No, none.
  3. Yeah, a few.
  4. Yes, he has a lot!
8. Is he physically affectionate with you?
  1. Yes, all the time.
  2. Sort of, but it seems forced sometimes.
  3. No, not really.
  4. Not at all.
9. Does your boyfriend seem extra close to any of his guy friends?
  1. Yes, they're even closer than we are.
  2. Yeah, they're very good friends.
  3. Sure, he's got some besties he hangs with, but it seems normal.
  4. Not really.
10. Are you concerned about his sexuality due to his mannerisms, lack of masculinity, or appearance?
  1. Yes, definitely.
  2. Yeah, a bit.
  3. Not really.
  4. No, not at all.

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How do I know if my boyfriend is gay?

Unfortunately, the only way to know with 100% certainty that someone is gay is for them to tell you, and licensed clinical social worker and LGBTQ+ identity expert Zoe Stoller cautions against assuming someone is gay just because they may "seem" gay.[1] That said, there are a few signs your boyfriend may be harboring an attraction to other guys (but keep in mind that none of these signs automatically prove he's gay):


  1. He doesn't seem into sex with you. If he doesn't seem all that interested in having sex, or if he doesn't seem present when you're having sex, it's possible he's not attracted to women. (Also remember that every couple goes through sexual lulls, so an occasional dry spell is probably nothing to worry about.)
  2. He's emotionally distant. A guy who's not sexually or romantically invested in the relationship may emotionally check out. However, there are lots of other reasons someone might seem emotionally distant in a relationship, like depression or work stress.
  3. He watches gay porn. Sex and desire are complex, and watching gay porn doesn't automatically mean a guy is gay. But if he exclusively watches gay porn and doesn't seem sexually interested in women, it's possible he could be gay.
  4. He seems way too close with his male friends. Do you feel like he and his male friends (or even one particular guy friend) have a bond that you just don't have with him? It's possible, but by no means guaranteed, that he could have romantic feelings for them.
  5. He checks out other guys. If you catch your boyfriend checking out other guys, it's possible he finds them attractive.
  6. He flirts with other guys. As relationship expert Joshua Pompey points out, a gay guy will probably flirt with other dudes just like a straight guy flirts with other women.[2] Keep an eye out for flirtatious body language, eye contact, or subtle, playful touching.
  7. He acts homophobic. If your boyfriend comes from an anti-gay background or worries that he wouldn't be accepted if he came out, he may overcompensate by saying homophobic things or acting aggressively anti-gay.


Remember that none of these signs automatically mean someone is gay. And keep in mind that if your boyfriend does like men, it doesn't necessarily mean he's not attracted to you: he could be bisexual (characterized by attraction to men and women) or pansexual (characterized by attraction to people regardless of gender), or he might claim another label entirely—or none at all.

Hopefully, this quiz will offer you a starting point to initiate a conversation with your boyfriend about his sexuality and your relationship. Good luck!

Want to learn more?

For more information on how to tell if your partner is gay, and what next steps to take, check out these resources:

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References

  1. ↑ Zoe Stoller. Licensed Social Worker and LGBTQ+ Identity Expert. Expert Interview
  2. ↑ Joshua Pompey. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview