Nicole Lam

You should always be able to set boundaries in a friendship. You should tell them, "Hey, this doesn't mean anything about our friendship, but I'd prefer it if we talked about your new girlfriend less when we're together. It's a personal thing, and I don't want to get into it, but I'd prefer to keep our conversations about other topics." Hopefully, they can respect that.

You should also realize that everyone needs to go through some kind of canon event to help them grow as a person. They're not going to realize it by you telling them. They have to live through it. Part of this is also that you need to have grace and love for your friend to trust that your friend has the strength to get past this, right? You just need to give them some time, but you can only watch from afar.

You can't fix their life for them, so practice detachment as much as you can. Remember that everyone has their own journey to become the person they're meant to be, and their new girlfriend is a part of that journey.

It seems like you're in turmoil about this decision, which might mean there is something about this friend that really matters to you. A lot of relationships are messy, and no one's perfect. We all do and say problematic things, sometimes. Before you cut this person off, I recommend making space for that part of you that really cares about this person and was deeply hurt by them.

If, after sitting with that part of you, you want to show this person some grace, that's a decision you can make. You can say that your intention is to repair with them, because you value the friendship. Or if the pain was too much, and you decide that they are totally against your values, then you might choose not to repair. But repairing can actually be a good opportunity to teach.

I think conflict can be a good thing. If you go to them and try to carefully explain your philosophy and side, and even if in the end, you have to end the friendship, know that they're going to think about this friendship and interaction at some point down the line. This could be an important learning moment for them to start respecting other belief systems, even if it doesn't work out between the two of you.

This is a challenging dilemma and one I grapple with a lot. What's the line between self-care and empathy? They seem fundamentally at odds.

I like to ask myself: do I have the skills to self-soothe and care for myself, and do I have the skills to support others? Do I know how to access and create resources for myself and others? If the answer to one of these is no, then you need to spend some time building skills in that direction (whether self-love or empathy). But we all need to have a balance, and we're not perfect. If sometimes we choose ourselves too much, that doesn't mean we're bad people. It just means we're flawed, like everyone else.

On the flipside, this means we're going to give other people some grace. We're going to understand that they also won't be able to choose others 100% of the time, and that no one can have 100% of their needs met by one person.

I think it depends on your personal beliefs about change and how humans can change. A lot of us have very rigid parameters about change. For example, some say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I'm not going to prescribe what people should and shouldn't think. But it does depend. I am of the camp that people are always able to change, but change takes time.

I like to ask, "How are they coming forward with their intention to change?" Have they shown consistency? Have they put in the work and taken the time that change takes? You want to see consistent actions that prove that something is different. Right now, I'd look for more consistency in his words and actions before you make a decision.

It's important for you to remember that your relationship is no longer what it was. Obviously, you had a friendship, but now it's turned romantic. A lot of times, we're in turmoil because we can't accept the fact that our dynamic with the other person has already changed.

It might be hard for him to accept these new feelings and this dynamic, and he might be maintaining the siutationship because he's not ready to fully come to terms with the change in your friendship and move into romance. I think you need to have a conversation with him and make him confront the situation. Say, "I really value you as a friend, and if you're not ready to truly move forward romantically, I'm okay to go back to friends, but I need more clarity."

This may actually give him some relief. He might realize that he has been delaying his commitment and vulnerability to you, and decide he's ready. Or, he'll tell you that what he really wants is to just be friends. That would hurt, I know, but it would give you clarity and help you start to move your relationship back to a friendship.